A Coping Mechanism

In an attempt to soothe my anxiety right now, as I’m just hours away from having a steel rod placed in the bone of my mouth… I’ve turned to pop culture to provide me with a bit of a distraction. Thus we have, letters to celebs.

Dear Miley,

Smoking a blunt on stage at the European MTV Awards, eh? It must get exhausting trying to prove how cool you are all. the. time. We get it, you smoke pot. Guess what? So does billions of other people. Nobody cares. I feel like loading up a doobie in public is like farting on an elevator, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Way to rock it on your dress, though. Nobody knows thug life like a daughter born to a country star.

Dear Lorde,

I love your music. And I love even more that you’re a feisty little feminist teenager not being an idiot like the rest of the girls your age in the public eye.  I just reread that and realized what an old lady I sound like… But anyway, you know what I mean- like how you called all the Disney kids (like the trashy gal photoed above) “absolutely mental.” Who cares if Selena is mad at you, she’ll get over it. Keeping doing what you do.

Dear Biebs,

If it looks like a hooker and it smells like a hooker, it’s a hooker. I used to think you were kind of cute, but now everything you do just creeps me out. You’ve got Vanilla Ice written all over you.

Dear Kim Kardashian,

I made the mistake of watching a minute or two of your show a couple of days ago- something I never do. And I couldn’t quite understand why you had so much anxiety regarding whether or not Kon-Yay! (how your family pronounces Kanye’s name) would attend your baby shower or not. He’s your baby daddy, why wouldn’t he come? You’re like the insecure girl in high school who is thrilled when her own boyfriend says hello in the hallway. And your family just makes me sad. I do have a question however, if a Kardashian falls in the forest and there’s no one around to tape it, do they still make a high pitched “ahhhhhh” sound and then continue to whine about it for the next six months?

Anyway, I apologize for the unnecessary snark coming through this morning. I know I’m being a little too hard on these celebs. It’s just my nerves talking. On that note, I have to go. The time has come.