The worst possible thing to strike our cozy little home has happened; the man-flu. And we all know the man-flu is the worst kind of flu there is. It brings grown men to their knees in anguish, wipes them right off their feet for days on end. It’s even been known to cause “little guy moaning.” As in “who’s the little guy moaning in the bathroom?” Sadly it’s no little guy, it’s a big man struck with the man-flu. It caught Chris yesterday and based on his Sprite intake I don’t think it’s going away anytime soon.
Thus we might have to sit this new years eve out. And oddly enough, I’m pretty okay with it. I’ve got a nice bottle of champagne, some good cheese I stole from my parents (kidding, mom!) and Harlow to keep me warm while the snow continues to fall outside. So take that, 2013, you can’t keep me down.
Now because I’m feeling extra generous I’m even going to offer some tips to all of you as to how you can have the best new years eve possible.
First and foremost you have to set the bar high. Make sure your expectations for the night are as high as they can get. You have to make sure under any circumstance that tonight is a night you will never ever forget! Because if you don’t have an absolutely amazing evening on this one specific night the rest of your 2014 is doomed. Doomed I tell you! You know how the saying goes, a great night is what happens when preparation meets expectations and exceeds all disappointment.
If you haven’t got something to wear now is the time to PANIC! Because everyone will be looking at you and judging what you’ve got on. And I mean everyone. I don’t care what the weather is like outside, if you’re not dressed for a chic black leather party in the Caribbean you will look ridiculous. Coats and scarves are for losers. You need to suck it up and face the cold like a slutty college girl would.
When in doubt just cry. Girls, guys absolutely love this! The less reason you have to cry, the better. If you see a moment to grab some attention then you better seize that moment! I recommend grabbing a girlfriend and taking her to the corner of the room, or locking yourselves in a bathroom or a bedroom, and just hashing everything out until you feel better. Or until you feel worse. Whichever you prefer. Just make sure to choose the most inopportune moment possible to shed those tears.
Don’t waste a minute not being on your phone. You guys, this is new years eve after all. What is happening on your phone to people you probably don’t even know is ten times more important than what is happening with the people around you. You know what’s more important than truly being in a moment? Truly not being in a moment. So forget the party you’re attending, just play on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook all night!
You don’t actually need to have fun to make it look like you’re having fun. Just smile and choose a great filter and everyone will think you’re having the most amazing time, anyway. Cheers!
Be the first to start the count down. Spoiler alert- everyone knows it’s coming. So why not be the first to start it? I suggest playing it safe and starting it a good five minutes before the actual time. A few people might catch on, but everyone else will just want to make sure they don’t miss the fun and I guarantee you they’ll jump right in. So be that girl who starts the countdown way too early when no one is expecting it, it’ll be a hoot I promise.
The kiss. If you’re a single gal on the hunt for the one to kiss make sure you start hunting early this evening. And when you find your prize you better hover over that shit. Hover hard! If he takes three steps forward you take two and a half. Think of yourself as the cute little shadow in Peter Pan. If the shadow in Peter Pan had breath that smelled like a combination of desperation and vodka sodas.
And if all else fails start Tindering. Tinder was made for nights like tonight.
Happy new years, everyone. Forget everything I just said and simply enjoy a night that represents a clean slate and new beginnings. XOXO T Dubs.
been party rockin on this night since the early 90s.