Things I’ve Always Wondered About Home Alone

Let me just start by saying I truly think this is one of the best Christmas movies ever made. So much so that I make a trip to the Home Alone house in Winnetka about twice a year simply to pay my respects.

That being said, there’s still always been a few things I’ve wondered about…
First of all, what exactly does Kevin believe has happened to his family. “I made my family disappear,” I get that and all, but I can’t help but wonder how an intelligent kid like Kevin, who knows how to throw together an elaborate holiday party, rigged with all sorts of gadgets and a dancing Michael Jordan mannequin in just a few hours, would simply accept the fact that his family has “disappeared.” Wouldn’t he be a little more freaked out?

Furthermore, the kid is scared shitless of a furnace and yet we’re supposed to believe that the thought of two child groping burglars breaking into his house doesn’t seem to bother him at all? This just doesn’t add up to me.

And speaking of things that scare children, is the creepy old snow shovel man from next door the same creepy old man from Now and Then? Because this guy just always seems to be in the right place at the right time. Remember when he pulled Samantha from the flooding sewer? I didn’t play in sewers for almost two years after that scene.

You know what else has always bothered me? The police in this movie. Why on earth aren’t they more helpful? They’re willing to bust their ass to catch a kid who just stole a toothbrush, but not for a panic stricken mom who calls 911 to report she left the country without her youngest child? That conversation with the donut-eating-cop who drops frosting on the phone angers me every damn time. They should have done a lot more than just send one cop over to ring the doorbell one time if they knew there was a young child home alone in the house. This is Chicago people, scary stuff happens here.

And what about those Wet Bandits? Why were they so dead set on the McCallister house? Did they not realize Michael Jordan’s mansion was less than ten miles away? I just feel like they probably should have turned away the moment they saw the fake party, maybe just head down the street to the other mansion. Didn’t they even consider for a moment that the McCallisters might have had a house sitter? Maybe Uncle Buck was there holding the fort down.

Or why didn’t Kevin just call the cops in the first place if he knew the whole scheme was to eventually call them from the neighbor’s house anyway?

And why wasn’t the mom more pissed she had to go to hell and back to get home, and then no more than five minutes later her entire family walks in through the front door smiling and giggling with each other like it’s no big deal?

And are all of the McCallister kids adopted or why do they all look so different? And why is Pete’s brother, Pete, not in the movie, as well?

And did Kevin really clean up the entire house except for Buzz’s room? I just don’t believe that. And what about Buzz’s spider? And his girlfriend? Did she get made fun of after this movie came out?

Like I said, there’s just always been a few things I’ve wondered about… I could go on and on but now I need to get ready for my head shot session. Don’t be jealous, but I’m about to get my hair and makeup done by “professionals” so I can sit for two hours of photos… I know, it makes me want to throw-up too. They said if I use any “special hair products” I should bring my own. So I guess that means I need to bring my $7 TRESemme hairspray.

Wish me luck. But seriously, wish me luck, I am going to need it. A beautiful patch of dry skin just showed up on my face today that looks like I burnt a cigarette into my cheek last night. I guess it gives me that rugged look that I’m going for. Watch out Charlize Theron, there’s a new gal in town ready to go after all of those Monster roles.

 photo signature-23.png