Sometimes I just forget how to be American. Luckily, every year right before Memorial Day a nice thick magazine from Pottery Barn arrives at my doorstep reminding me how to do so.
I don’t know about you, but without this guide from PB I would be lost all summer long!
How To Be American Part 1.
Item E. American Flag Print Pillow made in (wait for it!) AMERICA. Obviously.
$49.50- That’s a steal if ever I’ve seen one. I’ll order ten. Make that 100.
How many USA flag pillows is too many to put out on one’s couch? Trick question! There’s no such thing as too many USA flag pillows.
Item B. Party Caddy, $99
Item C. Pennants, $12.50
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to summer barbecues over the years and looked around and thought, sure this party is fun, but you know what would make it really fun? A wicker party caddy! Now the real party can start.
And miniature penant flags for condiments? LOVE IT. That’s just American is what it is. We love condiments and we love mini flags. God bless.
Item E. Red Ant Placecard Holder, $22
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve set out name tags during the summer and thought to myself, man I sure wish I had some decorative ants to hold these name tags, I would have at least $7! At least! And at only $22 a piece Pottery Barn is practically giving away these ants. For this price you couldn’t even afford to grow your own ant farm.
Item D. Travel Bar, $199.
Get out of my head, Pottery Barn! Better yet, get out of my dad’s head! He has been asking for a “travel bar picnic basket” for Father’s Day for the past ten years now! I’ve searched high and low but just have never been able to find the right alcohol basket that really screams “dad,” while also being fully functional by including all four of the necessary wine tools one needs to drink wine. That is until now. You’ve done it again, PB. My dad is going to love this, now he never has to stop drinking!
Item G. Red Wagon Party Bucket, $159
Just like the one I used to ride in when I was little. But now instead of carrying children it carries ice and vodka. If this isn’t American, I don’t know what is. USA! USA! USA!
Item J. Distressed Wooden Oars, set of 3 only $119!
Yes, yes and yes. You know where these would go great? Right next to the wall where I have my decorative canoes hung. Which of course are right by the retro kayaks. With the focal point being the weathered white water rafting raft I have hanging from the middle of my ceiling with the nautical mood lights attached.
Item C. Punched Hanging Lanterns, Large $149 $104
Thank God these were decreased to only $104, because at $149 I was going to have to question them for a second. But $104 for a hanging lantern is totally practical. Because hanging lanterns are totally practical. If you think you have enough hung from your outdoor beach ceiling do yourself a favor and hang ten more! Then 50 more. And then maybe just maybe, you’ll start feeling like an American.
Item A. Mason Jar Drink Dispenser, $69
Um yes! Finally a drink dispenser just for my mason jars. I’m so tired of my masons having to share drink dispensers with all of my other common glasses. Enough is enough! Let’s stop pretending that all of our glasses are equal, because they’re not! Drinking from jars just feels right, it’s what we were born to do.
Items A-Z. MORE LANTERNS, $49.50-$900.00
Please don’t make me regurgitate what I’ve already said. Americans LOVE lanterns. Our country was founded on them. If you don’t love them too that probably means you hate America. And why would you hate America? Show some patriotic pride, why don’t you?
I think Pottery Barn has made their point.
God bless this sweet sweet country we love in.
You.are.HILARIOUS! Love this so much. Pottery Barn just offers one bargain after the other, it's really giving their stuff away. A place card ant for $22? Totally reasonable.
Ah yes. I do love PB and their catalog but NOT their prices. The ant placecard holders ARE quite creepy.
I'm glad you are now learning to be a proper American.
I haven't received this How To Be An American guide. There's not enough time for it to get here before Memorial day.. WHAT AM I TO DO WITHOUT ALL THE LANTERNS?!
This post = absolute perfection! As an interior designer I love to look through their catalog, but they are out of their minds if they think I am going to pay some of their prices. Here's to wishful thinking!!!
Tomorrow's post: How to Have an American Summer According to the Rest of America. Or better yet- According to Wal Mart (or Wal Martians as I call them…)
I am DYING! This is hilarious! Actually laughing out loud with tears in my eyes. And here I was feeling un-American because I didn't have a monogrammed smocked dress with American flags on it made for my daughter to wear for Memorial Day! But seriously, if you don't have the condiment tags, how will you know which one is ketchup and which is mustard??
Seriously, every party I go to is just seriously lacking all of these things. And I really need those paddles on my wall – how have I lived up to this point without them!?
are we on the same page today or what? i guess I'm not american enough with that mason jar drink dispenser. ordering now.
this is a good post and I love everything about it. so cute.
PB magazine makes me feel like I will never attend or throw a party like they can…makes me sad!! lol
Was this post really for the ant farm website and the ebay link because if so…you're the best blogger ever! I am really dying over those ant farm place card holders, it's like they took old christmas jingle bells and repurposed them to sell for $22….there's a crafty post for ya!
You are too funny! I love this. PB has done it again, what would we do without them!?
I think the picnic bar basket is missing some mason jars. The little red wagons is missing mason jars, too–WE NEED MORE MASON JARS!
Oh my god I loved this post Taylor. Hilarious. I love me some PB… Still chuckling.
HAHA I just got that magazine in the mail too. Damn Pottery Barn… always making me want to buy everything that their catalogs!
So. freaking. funny. PB is ridiculous! USA 🙂
hahaha dying this by far is my favorite post
Sheeeshh PB is making it hard to be an American lol
This is phenomenal. I LOVE PB but holy hell. After you're done making your house pretty you probably can't afford the actual house any longer.
I always lust over PB stuff, but after taking one look at their price tags I run the other way. As fast as I can.
Bahaha! I do love PB but, their prices are a little ridic!!
$22 to have an ant hold up my name?! But I can't just get one, I gotta get at least 4… so $88 + tax and shipping for 4 ant name holders…… This is my lucky day. Can I liketoknowit on the picture of the ant place holder and it will email me a direct link so I can buy 4-8 for my next shindig?!?!!?
Phew! It's lucky we have Pottery Barn to help us be more American. I would be completely lost, probably because of my Swedish ancestry.
USA USA USA!!
I hope they at least offer free shipping for all these necessities.
But the real question is- what kind of alcohol comes with the travel bar picnic basket? Oh, none? How unAmerican, Pottery Barn.
God Bless America!! I loved this post.
xo, Taylor
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Omg I don't own any Mason jars OR lanterns. I'm probably going to get deported. (although I'm Native American so I'm not sure where they'd send me…)
Haha, there go any future collaborations with Pottery Barn 😉 I wanted to decorate my office at work and was inspired by a picture frame set from the PB catalog. It had a bar at the top and wires coming down that each frame would hang on. Turns out, the only thing I could afford was the bar at the top. And that was at least $50.
Love Love Love the sarcasm… Ahhhh. You just get it don't you?
I just love you! I was laughing my ass off through this whole post. I love these items but give me a f-in break with these prices. Sorry keeping the electric on is a bit more important. Although, I'd always have my lanterns. HA!
Love this! So true.. Now– I just wish I could afford even ONE of these delicacies. 🙂
great point!
So, I'm just now getting caught up on all my blog reading from last week. I'm sitting at my desk shaking trying not to laugh out loud. This was pure genius. Loved every last word. Pottery Barn, convincing people to buy overpriced crap they don't really need since 1986 (yes, I googled it).
This is hilarious! I literally LOL-ed!
$50 for a pillow!? I feel like I could paint a better flag on a $5 pillow…and you know what works JUST as great as the caddy and costs about $99 less?? The table. Oh PB, now I remember why I have never bought anything from you, ever.
Brianna
http://keepingupwiththekeens2428.blogspot.com/