All of the Chicago teens have gone back to school. I know because the park Harlow and I like to frequent is filled with cigarette butts and regret once again. I can’t believe teenagers still smoke. Isn’t a carton like $15 or something? Don’t they have Busch Light or Dr. Martens to buy?
Harlow and I tried to keep our distance from the insecure little time bombs full of anxiety and hormones during their first week back to school when it suddenly dawned on me that it’s been ten years since my first day of senior year of high school. Ten years! That’s a scary thought.
This is the only crappy photo I could find from my graduation. I’m sure it was taken on a yellow disposable camera and I anxiously waited in the Walgreens parking lot to get it developed the next day. Forget Instagram, paying extra for 1 hour photo at Walgreens was the thing to do back in my day…
I like to think back to what a loser I was and all of the stupid stuff I used to care about. Wouldn’t it be kind of fun if we could all be in high school with the personalities we have now? You know, just a bunch of late 20-somethings all beaten down by life, too tired or hungover to care about judging each other. I think it would be a much better experience for everyone.
Anyway, here’s a few things I’d like to tell that little blonde in the photo above.
First of all, stop tanning. Just stop. It’s gross, you’re gross. Remember when someone wrote “orange face” on your locker poster and you were super mad about it? You should find that stranger today and thank her. Because she was just trying to do you a favor, orange face.
So if you’re out there (person who called me orange face in high school) I just wanted to say thanks for having my back.
And while we’re talking about appearances, maybe just maybe don’t wear a cut-off pink corduroy skirt for your senior photos. I know you think the skirt is really great and it’s just how you want to remember your high school years, but you’re going to have to naturally lay on a log and it’s just going to be weird.
And speaking of fashion, you know how you love tie-dye because you think it’s really cool and you think it makes you a hippy? It doesn’t. It just makes you look dumb. So stop making tie-dye shirts. For the love of God, you own like 100.
This photo was taken the night before the first day of senior year. All of the senior girls got really cool shirts made that said “Sykadelik Seniors.” Spelled wrong on purpose, or so we said… In our defense, that’s a really hard word.
And that hair of yours? Don’t cut it in college. It’s as good as it will ever look in life.
I’m exceptionally orange in this photo (I swear some of it is the lighting.) But how couldn’t I be? It’s my senior prom and I’m up for Prom Queen! Oh the honor! Take that in for a second. Now let me tell you the real deal. At my high school the most liked kids were up for Homecoming, the second most liked kids were up for Winter Royalty, and the left-overs got Prom. So that tells you a little about me. (And no, I didn’t win.)
Now go enjoy college. You’re going to rack up more student loan than you even know, but don’t worry, you’ll totally need that English degree to start a blog and become a stand-up comedian…
It’s like I enjoy making mistakes. Live and let live.