An Apology Letter

Dear readers,

I am very sorry that I don’t know how to proofread. Honestly, I am. I know that my errors have been out of control lately- even more so than usual and I need to apologize. You deserve better than this. I promise you I try to check things over, just not good enough obviously.  Hitting publish right when I’m done is just so damn tempting. But going forward, I’m going to try harder. I’ll git bedder, just weight and see!

Dear Harlow,

I’m sorry we’ve only been going on 2 walks per day as opposed to your normal 18. I know this makes you very angry because you actually slap me in the face with your paw, or you slap my computer, or phone, or anything you don’t want in my procession. I know you’re frustrated with winter. I am too. But hang in there buddy, it’s going to get nicer eventually. Like in June probably.

Dear wonderful animal-loving people who purchased “I Just Want To Hang With My Dog” shirts,

You have blown my mind with your generosity. Harlow has donated more than $300 to Felines and Canines in under a month, and last week he sent dog food, flee medicine, and cleaning supplies to a shelter in New Jersey that so badly needed it. And yes, Harlow is totally bragging about this right now because he feels awesome thanks to you.

That being said, I am really sorry some of you haven’t received your shirts yet, although it does say 1-2 weeks for shipping time on my site I always hope to mail a shirt the day I get an order. But I was under prepared for the amount of sales to come in + my new inventory was delayed three days due to bad weather, so for some of you it’s been more than a week now and I really do apologize. A new shipment is arriving today and I will be shipping everything by the end of the day. Thank you so much for your patience!

Dear cuticles,

I’m sorry for what I did to you over the weekend. It’s just so dry outside and picking you to death sounded like such a good idea (for both of us.) But it wasn’t. You look disgusting and very sad. I’ll leave you along for at least a few weeks, I promise.

Dear woman in the Trader Joes parking lot driving a white Mercedes,

I’m sorry that you were so upset it took me a little longer than normal to pull out of my parking spot yesterday. I really hope I didn’t make you late to your manicure or your private pilates class or whatever it was you were in a very big hurry for. I’m sure it was extremely important and I will forever be haunted by the fact I kept you an extra ten seconds. #prayers

Dear Chicago,

I’m sorry for what I said last night. I didn’t really mean it when I said “you’re ugly and disgusting and I want to leave you forever because it’s so damn cold I’m losing my mind.” Nobody looks good in the winter, you know?  We’ll bounce back. We’re more of a summer couple anyway.

Dear Man at the open mic last night who got upset I called him out,

I’m sorry it bothered you that I embarrassed you after your set. As a host, I try to support every comic and think it’s bad taste to call someone out for bad jokes. However as a woman, if a comedian begins his set by saying “I’m going to jack off to you after this,” I am most definitely going to call you out. Because you can’t talk to women like that. And because you’re disgusting. If you don’t have respect for me, I’m sure as hell not going to have it for you. You would never say anything like that to a male host because you’re a coward and you think it’s funny to degrade women. Guess what? It’s not. Men might out number women in standup by a long shot, but for those of us women that are involved, well we’re a bunch of bad bitches who don’t take shit from guys like you. So get off the stage and get out of my open mic.

Dear readers,

Sorry for that rant. Last night was actually a super fun night at the open mic. It was a full house with a great crowd. And if I missed anyone I owe an apology right now- I apologize.

If you have any apologies of your own, feel free to add them below. Let it all out.

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