I Was The Kind Of Kid Who…

I was the kind of kid who always had that disheveled sweaty look going on. My legs were usually covered in scabs and scars, and my hair always looked like it needed a wash. And I couldn’t figure out how to smile “not crookedly” until my teenage years.

That’s my friend, Jordan. As you can tell by her matching top and bottom combo, she was not a disheveled kid. Maybe it’s the pearl broach I insisted my mom pin in the very middle of my white t, or perhaps it’s the skirt twisted in the wrong direction, something about this pic just screams “I have a future in comedy and the outcome doesn’t look very promising.”


I was the kind of kid who would eat snacks on the couch even though I wasn’t supposed to, so the minute I heard that garage door start to rise meaning that my mom or dad was home I would bolt into the kitchen as fast as I could. To this day I still get paranoid and run toward the nearest kitchen when I hear a garage door open.


I was the kind of kid who would mold my fruit rollup into a gross sticky ball before I ate it. 


I also liked to put scotch tape over my lips because “it felt good.”


And sometimes I ate butter straight from the tub because “it felt good.”


I was the kind of kid who was terrified of thunderstorms and would plug my ears to hide from the thunder. Unless… Unless the thunderstorms happened while I was at school. Then I loved them and would climb the walls with excitement like every other kid in class. Poor teachers.


I was the kind of kid who was terrified of scary movies. I still am actually. The summer the Blair Witch Project came out was the worst summer of my life. I never saw the movie, but damnit if those previews didn’t give me nightmares for months. Was that documentary real? Was it not? Nobody really knows!


Speaking of scary movies, Poltergeist forever scarred me. Again, I never actually saw the movie per se, but I knew enough about it to know that when my TV became fuzzy I had about two seconds to leave the room or I would most likely die.


Let’s just keep rolling with this fear thing. I was the kind of kid (teenager) who when I was home alone and heard a weird sound downstairs I would announce loudly “it’s a good thing I have my shotgun with me right now” you know, to scare off any intruders. Also, I grew up in Nebraska so there actually always was a shot gun in the next room if I ever really needed one.


When my parents told me to cover my eyes during the “naughty parts” of a movie, I was the kind of kid who always peaked! Because I was a pervert!


I also loved to stare at the back cover of Dennis Rodman’s book, Bad As I Want To Be, because it was his naked ass! My parent’s were given that book as a “gag gift.” They said.


So naturally I always paused the skinny dipping scene during Now and Then. You know what I’m talking about. Wormers!!!!


I was the kind of kid who quoted Ace Ventura way too much. I didn’t get that sometimes a joke “gets old.” 


I was the kind of kid who cried during math class because it was sooooo frustrating. And I treated “out loud reading time” like it was table read for a sitcom I was auditioning for.


I was also forced into speech class because of my terrible lisp. 


I was the kind of kid who thought that if I did something bad (like saying asshole or shit at school) God would punish me by making something terrible happen to my parents. So I was a pretty good kid just based off fear and extreme guilt. That’s called being raised catholic.


I was the kind of kid who knew I liked being a kid even while it was happening. I never wanted to grow up. I still don’t. 



What kind of kid were you? Linkup below!
And if you’re sharing #tbs on Instagram, use #thekindofkidwho as well so I can see all of your funny kid pics!

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