I feel like a fraud today.
After yesterday’s post of LOOK AT ME DO ALL THE THINGS, I expected to wake up and do all the things. That’s how it works, right? I simply say I’m going to be a new person and then I magically am.
But I’m not. The same old thoughts are still swimming around. I try to ignore them and listen to my own words of advice I so proudly let loose yesterday. But it’s just not that simple.
So here’s what’s going on, after being pretty overwhelmed with managing nebrowse and packing t-shirts all day long the past few months, I made the decision to let go of three of my biggest social media clients so I could go into 2016 working 100% for myself.
So today is the first official day I’m completely self employed. Which is great. But it also means I’m completely self employed. It needed to be done. And I know I can do it. But that doesn’t stop it from being scarier than shit. For me, anyway.
Today actually started off pretty good. I woke up early. I was productive. I ate healthy. I took Harlow on 100 walks. But then somewhere in between 1 p.m. and 3 p.m. I started to slip.
The downfall probably began on Instagram. It usually does. I hate how I let that app get to me. I feel like an insecure teenager and it’s my own sad pitiful fault, I know. But that only makes it all the worse. A lot of times I find myself thinking that if my entire business didn’t revolve around social media I would get off it all together. I can talk all the fancy shit I want about not comparing myself to others, but the fact of the matter is that I really struggle with this. And the fun thing is I don’t just choose one area to taunt myself.
I like to cover them all.
And today I went to town. I looked up comedians, bloggers, t-shirt people, writers, animal helpers, you name it and I found someone doing everything I’m trying to do. The difference is they’re just doing it better. And with more ease it seems.
My to-do list just sat in front of my face as I refused to do anything because I just kept feeling lower and lower. And I really didn’t even know why? It’s like once I decided to have a case of the sads I had to let it just completely overwhelm me before it would pass.
And then I like to finish my shame cycle by reminding myself how good I actually have it. That it’s ridiculous I even allow self loathing to take over my day, like it has for the past few hours. How do I even get sad when I know in reality I have nothing to complain about? In the big scheme of things, I have it so good. Most of us who have access to the internet and time in our day to read a blog post do.
But when you’re feeling blue, shaming yourself for having these feelings doesn’t help any either.
It just pushes you further down.
And then the next thing you know it’s 5:00 p.m. and you’re writing a blog post about life that should have been written hours ago but you just couldn’t muster the motivation because you were too busy moping about life… Oddly enough I feel 100 x better just writing this. I don’t know why I deny myself writing time when it always makes me feel so much lighter and okay about things.
Can you tell I’ve been in my head too much lately. CAN YOU?
Man, if I got any new readers from yesterday’s post expecting me to be a motivational blogger I sure let you down today.
Don’t worry. I’ll be back to normal tomorrow. I consider myself very lucky because my sads only last about a day or two. I pull myself out real quick. Harlow makes me.
I’ll make things more comical in my next post. I’m thinking something very ridiculous yet informative like “10 Pics To Take On Instagram in 2016 To Get At Least 50 Likes!” Yay? Or YAY?
I’ll end on this, if you’re feeling the January sads, you’re not alone. Must be something in the water right now.