I remember the day I was born like it was yesterday.
The year was 1987. Jon Bon Jovi’s Livin’ on a Prayer was playing on repeat at the time so that song became the theme of my growth process. But then I realized that seemed a little dark so at about seven months in I changed it to U2’s With or Without You. Which again seemed a little dark so I finally settled on Whitney Houston’s I Wanna Dance With Somebody.
I’d been airbnb’ing my mom’s womb for the past several months and it was getting to the point where it was time to go. Beside the fact my time was about to expire and I didn’t want to get charged a late fee, I’d just really started to outgrow the place. The initial things I found charming and cute, like for example the small toiletries left in the bathroom for me or the chocolates on the pillow, were now just extra things that got in my way.
And so on the morning of May 16th I packed up what few belongings I had into a small red bandana, (a diary, a feather pen, and a sound machine) tied the bandana to the end of a stick, and was on my way.
My journey through the birth canal was eerily similar to Disney’s Splash Mountain. It started off dark and humid, but once I made it through the first leg of the ride I was greeted by singing animatronics dressed in jean overalls and checkered dresses instructing me about the path ahead,
“Ohhhhhhhh…. the journey is a fight, but you’ll do alright,
Grab your things and hold on tight.
Right now you’re in the cervix, and my name’s Mervix.
I’m a singing little goose, trying to make things loose.
When you’re done in here you’ll see the uteri,
To pass through that you must tuck like pie.”
It’s been a few years so the lyrics are a little blurry, but you get the point.
After the singing animals part, things started to move pretty quickly. I spent the majority of my time anticipating where the camera would be that was going to catch my silly expression for that final big fall of the ride. So help me God I did not want to look like an idiot on that screen where everyone stops to look at their pics after the ride. I know everyone is just looking at their own expression, but still. Still.
Somewhere in the midst of planning what face I was going to make, the screams of the other riders, presumably on the raft behind me, distracted me. Someone’s being a little dramatic, I thought to myself. But as I neared the light and what was sure to be the biggest drop of the ride, the screams got louder. I’m no coward, but I won’t deny I thought about turning back. It was all just a little much.
I don’t want to bore you with the final details, we all know what happens at this part. They don’t call it the magic of Splash Mountain for nothing. I was born and the rest is history.
Anyway, I hope you’ve enjoyed my birth story. I’m sure we all have very similar! Now here’s a quick pic of a photo shoot I did last week to celebrate what a mature adult I’ve become.
Thanks in advance for the birthday wishes (and if you don’t give me bday wishes, what is wrong with you? That’s just not polite. Do what is polite. )
Cheers to 29 years of great life decisions.
*Please order 100 shirts from me today. K thanks byeeeee.