Seasons greetings, my friends. Tis that time of year again for our annual Christmas card and letter, a time in which we reflect back on the year that was. And this year was a doozy, where do we even begin?
2019 has been hard. She whispered to herself as a drop of vagina cream fell near her eye and she dabbed it away with the yellow dish cloth she wore around her neck… By vagina cream I mean Monistat, I’ve heard it makes hair grow back and mine decided to start falling out this year. Might be from my hCG sky rocketing then plummeting this past fall, or perhaps it’s actually a ten year late side effect from that medical study I did in college to go on spring break. One will never know! Regardless, I’ve been rubbing Monistat all over my head and doing a rain dance every morning in hopes my hair grows back. Like I said, 2019 has been rough.
But this my friends, is not a Christmas letter of woes. If you’d like to read some of those just check out my posts from July-October, they are all rather mopey and sad because I was mopey and sad. This, this right here, is a letter or triumph. Because 2019 has shot me to hell and back but I’m still standing. *I’m actually sitting right now, but that has more to do with recovering from the flu and the vagina cream in my hair (it drips if I move too much.)
As I was saying, this year has been hard but I can already feel the importance of it so deep in my bones I know it was absolutely necessary. I feel like I got a peek behind the curtain, and behind that curtain was a glimpse into just how fragile everything is- our so called plans, the schedules we set, our lives in general. At first glance I arrogantly responded, “Yeah, I know. Nothing is a sure bet. I read self help books, I get it.” And then poof! Just like that I was actually shoved behind the curtain, it was no longer just a peek.
It started in May with an unexpected pregnancy. I wasn’t ready! It was too soon, I’m only 16! No, you’re 32, I had to keep reminding myself. My mind went nuts with all of the things that would suddenly change- everything I’d have to give up when a baby came along! What about brunching? Will I have to give up brunching? And pilates- who will watch the baby? And WINE? Won’t someone think of the wine?!
It was the ultimate test in letting go. I was no longer in control. And then the worry set in. What if something goes wrong? I prayed and meditated and took the best prenatals and vitamins I could find. I asked the doctor a million questions and hoped day by day everything was okay.
And then it wasn’t. The thing you fear, the reason you take the vitamins and give up the deli meat, and walk around on pins and needles every single day, that thing you’re trying to avoid- it happened.
“It happens to one in four women.”
“Welcome to the club no one wants to be in.”
“It’s just a biological hiccup.” -Michelle Obama.
The things people say to make you feel better, but nothing really does.
Now we’re to late July, our wedding anniversary to be exact. And my mind can’t wrap itself around the fact that the pregnancy that scared me so much in the beginning is no longer happening. I try to remind myself that it’s going to be okay, I wasn’t even ready for all of this, remember? REMEMBER?! I want to shout to myself as I sit at the dog park alone on the bench at 2 p.m. in the afternoon crying under my sunglasses for what feels like the hundredth time.
I know what you’re thinking, I said this wouldn’t be a Christmas letter of woes… and it’s not! Because while I see how crying alone at a dog park may seem depressing, (okay in truth, it was a bit) it was also exactly what I needed. I needed to sit in this pain and feel every last bit of it because that’s where the change occurs. The change that alters the way you view the world around you and those in it. It’s the change that if you allow it, will suddenly coat everything you have in your life with a layer of gratitude and makes you want to pull it all in just a little closer because you’re now finally starting to understand the fragility of it all.
It’s where you look yourself in the mirror at the end of 2019 and ask yourself, are you the same person you were at the beginning? And I can honestly say I’m not, for starters there’s vagina cream in my hair.
Luckily, if my hair keeps falling out I’ve got a few wigs on hand.
In true Christmas Card Narrator form, I’ve gone and made this all about me so I better wrap it up. Yes, the event mentioned above was by far the most important and impactful of 2019, but so many other things happened, as well. Like the fact we got a new FRIDGE! How could I almost forget to mention my first ever brand new kitchen appliance? It even has this cool little glass door on the door that opens to a mini shelf for sodas and juice, or whatever you want! A door on a door, what’s more 2019 than that? Pretty neat. We also went to Hawaii, took Harlow to Utah, and I found a new character named LaVona whom I can’t stop dressing up as- all are memories I’ll cherish forever.
Anyway, I hope your 2019 has been a good one, but if it hasn’t, maybe it’s okay to think of it as a building block year. You went through all you had to this year in preparation for all the amazing things coming your way in 2020. That’s my thoughts anyway. 🙂
Next year is looking so bright I can barely contain my excitement. Maybe we’ll get a new oven! Who knows? Anything is possible in 2020.
Thank you to Minted for gifting us our holiday cards. Not just this year, but for the past five years Minted has been my go to for all things holiday. I just stocked up on wrapping paper, personalized gift stickers, and every photo gift they offer. Check it all out here. They also have super fast shipping and the best customer service ever. 🙂