“My appointment is today, not tomorrow. I had the date wrong, I guess,” I tell Chris this morning knowing he’ll catch my lie.
“Okay,” he says with a slight smile. He knows.
“Yeah, yeah, I moved it up again,” I admit.
I’ve been doing this since week seven. Or maybe six, who’s counting? Just me… obsessively. I do pretty okay with everything right up until an appointment is on the horizon and then I start to panic. What if… what if this is the appointment when things go wrong? And so I always call and try to make it a day earlier or I’ll drive myself crazy with the anxiety stomach aches and headaches until I just cant take it any more.
I remember a time, long long ago, when I had my first pregnancy last summer and my Chicago doctor was giving me a play by play of how often I’d have to see her and I rolled my eyes and thought, oh great, that’s way too much! What a pain.
Fast forward to now and I look for excuses to go in. I’d go in every other day if they’d have me just to make sure things are okay. Hell, I’d even buy my own ultra sound machine if I could. Wait, can I?
I had what’s considered a “missed miscarriage” last time, which means I didn’t know I miscarried until several weeks later when a heartbeat wasn’t detected. On the movies miscarriages seem so graphic and you rush to the hospital the second they happen and know right away. But that wasn’t the case with me. I had no idea until I got an ultrasound. And thus I’ve got some trust issues this go around.
If you’re reading this and you’re pregnant (and if you’re anything like me) you’re going to get that nervous little pit in your stomach right about now. I really don’t want to be the cause of that so let me explain myself before I cause you any extra unnecessary stress. 1. My situation is not your situation. Repeat that as many times as you need to. This is something I’ve been doing with myself lately. Just because you read an article about a woman who gets in a terrible car accident that doesn’t make you suddenly think it’s going to happy to you, right? Of course you’d probably feel sad for said woman and remind yourself to drive more careful, but you’re not going to obsess about it. Right? Hopefully. And yet that’s exactly what I tend to do when it comes to pregnancy stories. I’ll read about someone who miscarried at 20 weeks and panic that will be me.
Maybe the car wreck thing makes no sense to you, maybe it does. These are just the mind games I have to play. I also remind myself that the only thing worry does is take joy away from the current moment. Our mind likes to pretend that worrying will help prevent the bad thing from happening, but we all know it never does, it just makes you feel the pain twice is all.
I’ve been sent a few baby gifts already and they’re adorable and teeny tiny and when I find myself staring at them too much a nasty little voice has wanted to pop up on occasion and whisper, “don’t get too excited… what if…” And you know what you tell that voice? To screw off. Or I say F off but I’m trying to cut back on my swearing… Because if I’ve learned anything from last time, it’s that I don’t regret any of the joy or excitement I felt before everything took a turn. Denying yourself joy isn’t “not jinxing you,” or “keeping away bad luck,” it’s simply denying yourself that moment of happiness. And what’s the point in that? At least that’s how I see it. It’s also something I have to remind myself daily because it doesn’t always come naturally. 🙂
I also want to make it clear that I haven’t been nonstop worrying this entire pregnancy. It’s just a little extra today because of that appointment I mentioned. I’d say it’s been more like 80/20, 80% positive, 20% worry. Okay maybe 70/30. But it’s getting a little better every day.
I’m happy to report a healthy heartbeat was heard again today. This makes three times now. As my doctor told me earlier, whatever is going to happen will happen. That’s a hard one to grasp, I know. But it’s always been the case with life, we just seem to be reminded of it more in pregnancy.
