A Coping Mechanism

Thursday, November 14, 2013

In an attempt to soothe my anxiety right now, as I'm just hours away from having a steel rod placed in the bone of my mouth... I've turned to pop culture to provide me with a bit of a distraction. Thus we have, letters to celebs.

Dear Miley,


Smoking a blunt on stage at the European MTV Awards, eh? It must get exhausting trying to prove how cool you are all. the. time. We get it, you smoke pot. Guess what? So does billions of other people. Nobody cares. I feel like loading up a doobie in public is like farting on an elevator, just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

Way to rock it on your dress, though. Nobody knows thug life like a daughter born to a country star.


Dear Lorde,


I love your music. And I love even more that you're a feisty little feminist teenager not being an idiot like the rest of the girls your age in the public eye.  I just reread that and realized what an old lady I sound like... But anyway, you know what I mean- like how you called all the Disney kids (like the trashy gal photoed above) "absolutely mental." Who cares if Selena is mad at you, she'll get over it. Keeping doing what you do.

Dear Biebs,


If it looks like a hooker and it smells like a hooker, it's a hooker. I used to think you were kind of cute, but now everything you do just creeps me out. You've got Vanilla Ice written all over you.

Dear Kim Kardashian,


I made the mistake of watching a minute or two of your show a couple of days ago- something I never do. And I couldn't quite understand why you had so much anxiety regarding whether or not Kon-Yay! (how your family pronounces Kanye's name) would attend your baby shower or not. He's your baby daddy, why wouldn't he come? You're like the insecure girl in high school who is thrilled when her own boyfriend says hello in the hallway. And your family just makes me sad. I do have a question however, if a Kardashian falls in the forest and there's no one around to tape it, do they still make a high pitched "ahhhhhh" sound and then continue to whine about it for the next six months?

Anyway, I apologize for the unnecessary snark coming through this morning. I know I'm being a little too hard on these celebs. It's just my nerves talking. On that note, I have to go. The time has come.

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41 comments:

  1. The snark in this post is AMAZING. I love the hating on Kim and family. Yes time a million

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  2. Just said a prayer for you! Everything will be just fine!

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  3. Oh ya, Miley and Biebs are seriously getting outta control! Good luck with your surgery...

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  4. I love your comparison of Biebs to Vanilla Ice! Totally following in his foot steps! Gosh Miley is such a mess and I love Lorde too :)

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  5. miley's dress. hahahahahaha omg. that's the best thing ever. and yes the biebs and hookers. i really love that actually.

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  6. Oh little Miley. At some point, she's going to have trouble topping herself. I mean next time she lights up a dubie on stage - no one will even notice. She's going to have to snort crack. Twerking? No big deal. You better have a live threesome with Donald Duck and Donald Trump. You know what I mean?

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  7. Literally agree with everything in this post. How is Lorde so good while the others are just so awful? Hope everything goes well today!

    Emily

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  8. if a Kardashian falls in the forest and there's no one around to tape it, do they still make a high pitched "ahhhhhh" sound and then continue to whine about it for the next six months?

    best thing i've read all morning.

    also...can you please do a post on where I can buy Miley's Tupac/Biggie dress? sidenote: was she even alive when they both were shot?

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  9. Hahaha biebs is definitely the next vanilla ice. I don't know how you could even stand the Kardashians for even a minute. Ugh.

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  10. This is absolutely hilarious and on point! hahahaha Good luck today Tay!

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  11. "You're like the insecure girl in high school who is thrilled when her own boyfriend says hello in the hallway." This is the best line I have ever ead about her. It is so true. It is so sad that she is so insecure that it shows. But that is what happens when your empire is built on flesh and not substance. I am not saying she doesn't have any but nobody will ever care if she does. And she knows it. Sad.

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  12. Um, agree on all counts. Your anxiety has made you spot on on your celebrity criticism. Way to go! :)

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  13. Saying a prayer! You got this. But the celebs letters were on point, hilarious!

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  14. You've got Vanilla Ice written all over you. - NAILED IT. I can't do Miley. I never cared much before and now I definitely don't get her. I know Tupac would bust a cap in her ass for wearing his face on her like that. Good luck!

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  15. You are soooooo right on so many levels!! The fact that I actually like some of Miley's new songs makes my soul die just a little more every time I see her face...and outfits for that matter! Happy thoughts sent your way for surgery today :)

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  16. Hope your surgery goes well today *hugs*

    And soooo much YES to the KarTRASHians snark. They need to just go away already! :-P

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  17. In Lorde's defense, the Disney kids ARE absolutely mental. It's not like she's making that up!

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  18. Not gonna lie, this post made me throw up in my mouth a little... IN a good way?

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  19. Snark away. I totes agree with the Beiber thing. Ice ice baby all the way. Not in a good way either.

    › xo fal • falfindshappiness.blogspot.com

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  20. Good luck, good luck, good luck! Sending good thoughts your way today.

    And in regards to Miley, I'm her age and this is my gripe about her - I'd be fine with all the stuff she's doing, really I would. I have friends doing much worse. BUT STOP FLAUNTING IT, gosh dangit. The one thing that really annoyed me about her was when she said that she's just trying to have her time of "having no consequences." No Miley, that's not how it works. Everything comes with consequences. Everybody else just bucks up and deals with them and learns from them - be smart, geez.

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  21. Good luck today!

    and I must mention, I enjoy a pinch of snarky Taylor from time to time :)

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  22. Miley and Biebs.....disgusting. Whatever happened to the days of Hannah Montanna?!

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  23. These are all perfect. Your letter to Miley is spot on. And Lorde...she's amazing.
    Hope the implant goes well!!

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  24. I love the snark! Don't apologize for it. And you hit the nail on the head about Kim being the insecure girl in high school-- except that she is 32 years old! That whole family needs to grow up. And I'm with you on loving Lorde. It's good that she's pissing some people off; they need it.

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  25. Ha! I am 100% in agreement with everything that was said in this post. We are on the same page with all of these people.

    xo

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  26. Oh my goodness - you totally nailed it! Biebs is totally the new Vanilla Ice! Good luck with your appointment today!

    - Jess @ The Odell Yodel

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  27. You hit the nail on the head with Miley, Biebs and Kim K. I wish they would all just disappear. Or go back to being normal. (Although I don't know if Kim ever was.)

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  28. You speak my love language, sarcasm, oh so well. Good luck today.

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  29. hahaha this post is great. Couldn't agree more, esp about the Biebs! Good luck with your surgery!!

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  30. Haha I completely agree with every statement you made here!

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  31. I love you. I still think the Biebs is cute which is creepy and I get it but still.

    LittleBirdBlogs

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  32. Hope your surgery went well! Is it ironic that Miley's backside says please stop?! I wish she would! The Biebster creeps me out and the gold gloves, just No!!!

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  33. This is the best post I have read in a while, I am laughing hysterically!

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