Haunted By My Past

Monday, April 7, 2014


Every time I stay at my parents house in Nebraska it happens. I wake up to one thing staring me straight in the face, taunting me from my past, the most horrific thing you could imagine...

This.


A cork board of medals. One of many actually that still resides in my old room to ensure that I am haunted by my past determination and drive. Each gold medal whispers "loser" into my ear when I wake up in the morning and am reminded I am no longer winning fifteen medals a week. Why don't we get medals in the real world I wonder? I feel like that would really motivate me to get up and get shit done.

High school me was a hard ass. She was up before 6:00 a.m. for basketball practice and sometimes not home until after 7:00 p.m. after five other practices. She was focused. She worked out, practiced every sport, ran suicide lines in her drive way (seriously I did this) studied to make sure she got all As and Bs, and was in bed by 9:00 p.m. every night. She didn't have time to dick around on things like Instagram or Facebook, I mean they weren't around then, but even if they were she would have thought they were dumb. She had more important things to do, like kill her Sims characters in a fire...

So when 2014-me comes home I can feel her harsh rays of judgment on my back every time I step into the room that belonged to her. This girl does not look kindly on weakness.


*this photo collage was "professionally" made for my high school graduation, so obviously it still remains a conversation piece in my room today... #lacesout #diedan #finkleiseinhorn

Highschool- me listened to rap because she was a thug like that. She could relate to everything Dr. Dre and Snoop had to say. They just got her. Growing up in Nebraska, in a middle class home, surrounded by a loving family who gave her as many basketball shoes as she wanted... The struggle was real.

The only thing bigger than the KU mens basketball shorts she wore to school every day were the Duke hooded sweathshirts she wore that hung to her knees. She wore tear-away pants, you know in case she ever needed to unsnap her meshy black pants in a matter of two seconds to play a quick game up pick up basketball. It was about utility not fashion.

So even though I think high school- me was pretty scary, and pretty mean, and I actually understand more and more all of the time why she didn't have a lot friends, I can't help but respect her determination and focus. She would laugh in my face right now if I told her my current "struggles." That I don't know where my life is going, and I can't get motivated to finish what I start, and boo who who... She'd give me a swift kick in the ass and tell me to toughen up and stop being such a pansy. And that's exactly what I need at the moment.

My birthday is just about one month away. And I can admit I'm not where I want to be in life at this age, but I know I'm getting closer.  It's time to get shit done and bring back the rap music. Like I always say,

"No matter how many times I get shot with bullets, I keep coming back. That's just who I am. I seen shit you wouldn't even believe, grew up in a place no child should. But it's made me who I am. No one, or no gun, can keep me down. I'm me."  -Taylor

(That's actually a 50 Cent quote, but it might as well be about my life as well.)


Circa 2005. #thuglife


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19 comments:

  1. the medals, the rap music, the thug life. i get it. started from the bottom, no we're where?

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  2. Ohhhhh how I wish to never go back to highschool! Great post

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  3. I was way less motivated about life in high school than I am now and I never really had to work hard to get good grades or make first chair in band. My life is much different now, and I have to work harder to get what I want. The only thing I miss about high school was that I didn't have an bills to pay.

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  4. Ohhhh I know who you were in high school! You were the girl I always wanted to be, but instead was sitting in my friends car hacking darts and bitching about school and being stood up by my loser, older boyfriend! You were the girl that the gym teacher used as an example, to demonstrate to the rest of us 'actual' thugs how to play lacrosse. I remember trying to keep up with 'you' during one particular lacrosse game and my right ankle totally gave out on me and resulting in me tearing all the ligaments in my ankile! I remember thinking, "That's what I get for actually trying to keep up with "Taylor". LOL.. YOU! uggggggh. ;)

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    1. You got me so riled up that I wrote ANKILE! LOL.. My grammars all out of whack now!

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  5. My high school self would be shocked at where I'm at today, too. But you know what? I'd tell her to shut it, because being an adult is a lot harder than we all originally thought:) They should totally give out medals in the real world for things like making it to work, having to work through lunch on stupid spreadsheets, etc:)

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  6. My friends and I used to make "westside" gang symbols with our hands in pictures together bc we really lived the thug life too. It was a hard knock life in my middle-class wholesome neighborhood in Canada. Ha!

    I'm going to be 30 this year and I'm not where I thought I'd be either with my life. You're not alone on that one.

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    1. haha oh little girls and their gang symbols. Too funny!

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  7. HAHAHA yes. Just yes. I'm so embarrassed by my high school self looking back. Driving around with my music blaring, windows down, and thinking I was a badass… in one of the most wealthy suburbs of CLE (Cleveland for those who aren't aware how cool we are).. Oh the life back then.

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  8. I love the medals! Oh how our past selves can haunt us!

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  9. Started from the bottom now you're here.

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  10. You just gotta get out on them streets & do your G thang. Or something... I'm not sure, I listen to country and rock.

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  11. God, I know all about needing to GSD hardcore right now. High school Tay would've scared me - but I would have been deeply and personally offended by the Duke sweatshirt. #byedukeforever

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  12. This is such a great post. What would the high school me say to the 2014 me? (And more so, what would the 2014 me have to say to the high school me? Full out brawl, I'm sure.) It's weird to look back like that... strange to think how much I've changed. Mostly for the better I'd say, but I'm pretty sure the high school- me would say "God, just loosen up!" It takes a lot of letting go to accept the current me. And while I think that's okay, I'll go ahead and confess- I still wear tear-away pants sometimes.

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  13. Those hashtags!!! #excusemebuttdoyouhaveamint? #orperhapssomebinaca?

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  14. I wonder what my high school self would say if she could see me know

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  15. HAHA this is awesome! High school me would probably kick my ass right now too. It was so easy to be so driven then. Please dont tell high school me that I haven't won a medal or competition in over 10 years. she would kill me.

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  16. HS me would do the exact same thing! And I'm in grad school, so don't feel bad. HS you will judge you no matter where you are in life... because that's what high schoolers do!

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