This Is What 28 Looks Like

Wednesday, May 13, 2015


I should have known better than to go to an on-camera class when I wasn't feeling particularly confident with myself.

When I got in front of the camera yesterday and was told to slate (say my name, phone number, height) and I couldn't remember my phone number at first I should have read the writing on the wall and just left the class right then. Because of course I forgot the entire script and just went into freeze mode. Standing in front of the entire class, behind the camera, I was like a dog in a Halloween costume. You know what look I'm talking about.

So I started reciting what I could remember, but for some reason the lines came out of my mouth sounding like Ron Burgandy.

"Just say the lines like a human," the instructor shouted.

And my mind went, what's a human? What am I? Where am I? My brain no know words. 

It was terrible.

You want to know what threw me off? (Besides being on camera, that's hard as shit guys I'm not kidding.) What threw me off was all of the pretty young actors in the class.

One girl in particular was super cute. Fresh out of college. Had black shiny hair like I'd never seen in person before, it was cut into a sharp long bob. She looked like Oliva Munn, but cuter. And younger. She had on tight fitting jeans, a crisp white shirt and a cool leather jacket.

And there I was sitting in my stupid fat grandma sweater feeling like an ugly old curmudgeon who just crawled out of my rat hole under the garage trying to make my old lady dreams come true of reading scripts on camera like Ron Burgandy. Like my friend Jake would say, I felt like a real garbage person. Why do I always wear ugly grandma sweaters? WHY?

And then when the instructor cast us with scene partners she put all of the young hot college kids together and she put me with the old man who had a cane. And an eye patch. And a humpback. And a pigeon. She put me with the pigeon lady from Home Alone basically.

What I'm trying to say is it's my birthday on Saturday. And I think it might be weighing on me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm exactly where I want to be in life right now.

You know, if I was turning sixteen.

Going to on camera classes with 20 year olds... Getting to ride on the back of my boyfriend's cool new scooter... I have a  t-shirt business that is killing it! (And by killing it I mean I can pay rent.) And I might be getting brand new braces soon (bottom teeth only, nbd.)

Oh, and my Instagram photo got 200 likes a few days ago... So yeah, 16 year old me is doing pretty damn good. Jealous? You should be.

27 year old me, soon to be.... 28 is another story.

What in the hell was I doing right after college? Why was I just dicking around waisting time? Why wasn't I trying harder? Why am I still not trying hard? What am I doing now? Where is time going?

Help me, I'm lost.

Past the age of 25 birthdays have started to cause me mini panic attacks. Can you tell?

On one hand I'm the happy bday girl dancing around in a fun dress basking in the birthday glow. But on the other hand I'm saying oh shit oh shit oh shit about turning another year older and still feeling like a complete loser.

A complete and utter loser.

Los. ER.

I know what I want to do. I know where I want to go. But I'm not getting there.

I'm scared I'm going to turn into the old pigeon lady at acting class. At what point do I throw in the towel and say hey, at least I made a half ass attempt to do what I've always wanted to do, but now it's time for me and Harlow to get on our chunk of ice and set out to sea.


Don't mind me, I'll be back to my unwarranted confident self tomorrow. I've just got a case of the "I'm turning one year older and am scared shitless my life is going nowhere" blues.

*Today's post is sponsored by all of my insecurities, doubts, and mistakes in life! All opinions are my own!

28 comments:

  1. Oh girl, we all have these days. 25 is closing in on me like a mother f-ing runaway train. Seriously. No one can stop it and I'm very afraid I might die. Like, how did I waste 25 years? Today I "celebrated" 2 years at my current job. My first thought was, 'Oh fabulous. I've officially wasted 2 years of life doing blah work.'

    We all have these days and thoughts. You're 10x's more hilarious than me, though, so you've definitely got that going for you.

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    1. you're 24. just a baby! go find a job you love!

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  2. 27 (and 28!) is still so young! I'm only just about to be 24, so what do I know, but seriously. From the outside looking in (to your blog & insta, obviously), it looks like you're killing it! Happy almost birthday!

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  3. It took me until I was around 40 to start feeling like I was getting it right....you still have awhile! :)

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  4. I'm right there with you. I turn 30 this year, and the kids graduating college right now scare me. That was me not too long ago, and the last several years have flown by. I'm actually nowhere near where I want to be. I wasted my 20's, but I'll be damned if I waste my 30's.

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  5. it's funny, we are kind of on the same page. well, actually, I always feel like we are. But I look at you and I always think- man she's nailing it. I think you have to realize that it's not always going to be all it's cracked up to be and that you're doing pretty awesome. even though sometimes it sucks or you feel like a real farbage person. totally using that in my everyday life now.

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  6. After 25 I felt the same way--massive panic. There are so many aspects of my life I want to focus on--job, family, relationship, blogging. It's hard to not feel like a loser when you're trying to succeed at so many things.

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  7. Oh, man. I'm right there with you. I'm 26 and up until a few months ago, I thought I was just killing it! Now, not so much. I'm feeling restless, and blah..career-wise. I want to be doing so much more, or so much less. I haven't decided yet, I just know I don't want to feel like I'm wasting prime years of my life.

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  8. The disclaimer at the end was gold! I was wondering what I did earlier in my life too. What I wouldn't do for some of that time again!

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  9. I kinda think this post is amazing. I turn 28 in a few weeks and I feel like...wtf have i accomplished? I know what I WANT TO DO but no clue how to make it happen....and i'm like WHY DID I WASTE SO MUCH TIME! It's scary and 28!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 28!!!!!!!!! That's almost 30.

    And i'm sure this comment didn't help. But, im glad i'm not the only one feeling this way.

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  10. I turned 28 in March, and it seriously freaked me out! Like how in the world can I be that OLD! I'm glad I'm not the only one that freaks out about that sort of thing.

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  11. You know what though? You know what you want. Even if you don't get to where you want to be, you know what that is. I think that in itself is pretty awesome. I've certainly never had the incredible drive and passion you have. I'm envious that you know what it is that you would want to do. I also just generally love how freaking honest you are. I have a meltdown every birthday (since 25). It's normal :-)

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  12. hey now - don't get too worked up! i, too, am 28 and 'living my dream'. but you know what, some days it bores me and i daydream about what else i could be doing. but then i come back down to reality and tell myself that this is good enough! i am living in my ideal city, with the guy i love, in the (rental) house we wanted and working at a job i really, really wanted. a year ago i was soo impatient to get where i am now - so it's time to enjoy it! same goes for you :)

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  13. I just turned 29....don't have my shit together, don't know what I want to do when I grow up, don't own a house, pissed away two years after college, you know general hot mess-ness. But you know what, I have realized that it really is ok! 30 is the new 21 and if 30 is anything like 21 was....the ride is just getting started! :)

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  14. I turn 30 in less than a month. I *was* excited about it and thought it was no big deal. As the days get closer I'm starting to get a little anxiety. I love my life, but it's WAY different than I thought it would be.

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  15. As I sit here laughing through this whole post all I can think about it this is how I feel :( :( :( what am I doing?? What should I be doing to get where I want to be? And I'm not even entirely sure where that is sooooo at least we're not alone feeling like this? Does that make it better? No? Didn't think so.

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  16. turning any sort of age older always makes me scream because the "perfect idea" in my head is never actually happening. What I really want to know is why we, as children, thought adults knew what they were doing at this age because I HAVE NO CLUE what's going on.

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  17. I know exactly how you feel! Did you graduate college at least? Because if so, you're doing better than I am! I'm 27 and finally on my way to getting my Bachelor's degree. (I still have 2 years left.) I moved around so much and worked meaningless jobs for years waiting for my life to fall into place. I watched all of my friends find their dream jobs and get married and I don't know what I was doing while that all happened. So irritating! I'm kicking myself for it now, but I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm finally on a path I feel good about, so I need to relax and not screw it up. You'll figure it out, too! And good for you for trying to make your dream happen. You're running laps around everyone sitting on the couch, or however that saying goes. But it's true! You're awesome.

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  18. I know how you're feeling. After a year of teaching (the job I wanted and trained for), I had to leave it because of shitty health. So now I only kinda know where I'm going with my life. First goal is to improve my health. Second goal is to have an idea of what I want to do with my life now.

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  19. As I read threw these comments thinking age is subjective and you are only as old as you feel I can't stop repeating Los.ER in my head like Ace Ventura with the oo's and the ahers for added effect. Lahoosaher is how I imagine it would be spelled...lol

    Xoxo,
    Erin
    www.erineveryday.com

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  20. Noooo you are NOT a Loser young lady. Stop it! You look like Cinderella you smell like pine needles and you have a face like sunshine!!!!

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  21. You are awesome for 28 and look amazing. I go back and forth with how I feel about my age. I feel good about being 30 and in a lot of ways feel I've got it together but then I think if my life is exactly the same as now at 35 I will feel like I'm so behind and that makes me feel pressured to get my shit together in the next four and a half years.

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  22. Oh my goodness this was so funny, I'm glad it was you and not me, just saying and yeah you look good at 28

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  23. Best disclosure on any post ever.

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  24. Hi Taylor,

    I get you. I really, really do Lol. I have the same doubts, the same concerns, the same feelings that "Uh-oh...the next generation is coming and they are really killing it!" This is totally normal...I'm 85.4% positive it is ;) For what it's worth, you are rocking it and your gusto and passion is completely inspiring. Enjoy those birthday celebrations full speed ahead!

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  25. It seems that people now have a quarterlife crisis shortly after graduating from college. I also will be 28 in July, and though I'll be (for all intents and purposes) a PhD in 18 days, I do not yet have a job lined up for after I graduate...

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  26. Oh, to be twenty-eight again. I didn't have a care in the world. Living on my own, doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Those were the days. Now, I'm a married old thirty-four year old with two teenage stepdaughters that give me more gray hairs than hugs...I'll trade ya! Ha!

    Mandie ~ http://badbrewpack.blogspot.com/

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  27. I'm 28 and I feel like I'm in a similar situation. Married, two kids, no other job besides blogging. I love it, but I want to be super successful and I don't feel that way.. ps... dying at the last picture hahaha

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