New York State of Mind

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Last year I went to New York for a comedy festival and told myself it was probably the last time I was going to do standup. I was ready to be done. Simply put, the lifestyle isn't for me. Too many late nights, too many nights at a bar, too much time away from my couch, too much grind. I'll just be honest here, I'm not tough enough for it.

So I decided to quit.

And yet one year later here I am. Heading back to that same festival in New York in just two short weeks. Standup, why can't I quit you?

I'm no longer pursuing standup, I'm just enjoying it. And for now that works for me because when I'm willing to admit it, I really love standup. Making strangers laugh at stuff I've written is a high unlike anything I've ever known. So why would I stop doing something that makes me happy?

Why? Maybe because it's still one of the weirdest things I've done and writing new shit every week is hard and sometimes my stuff flops and sometimes I want to run off stage and sometimes I want to silence that voice in my head that appears at least once a day that says you'll never write something funny again because you're horrible and not funny so just stop now.  Yea that. That's why I still want to quit every once in a while. I think that voice is also called fear.

But whatever, I'm going to New York to tell some jokes and I'm excited as hell. Fear can shut the hell up for the next two weeks for all I care.

I'll be at Broadway Comedy Club again on Wednesday and Thursday, October 21 & 22, at 8:00 if any of my New Yorker pals want to come say hello! Send me a message and I'll tell you how to get free tickets. And if you do come just realize I filter myself on this blog... I don't in standup. So if you're offended easily maybe let's just meet up after? (insert smiley face emoji.)

The bangs won't be coming back, but hopefully my left hand will.

More importantly, will you give me some ideas of what to do in NY? I'm going with my favorite travel partners (MY PARENTS!) and my dad has never been before. But his favorite thing to do on vacation is drink in random bars, so if you've got a favorite hole-in-the-wall please let me know.

Also someone please tell me where to:

Get brunch.
Get a bloody (preferably Midwest style.)
See a Vizsla.
See a Taylor Swift.
Perhaps a good tour?
Eat a good meal (where the locals eat)
But most importantly where to drink- (nothing with white walls, white booths, or white floors. The grungier the better.)
What shows to see at UCB.
Anything else I have to do while in New York for a few days.

And now I'm going to end with this photo of me hailing a cab on my first trip to NYC many many years ago.

It's important for three reasons.
1. That blazer style jean jacket! Seriously, I would wear it now.
2. During this trip I wrote in my travel diary (separate from my normal diary, because all cool kids kept travel diaries) "I think I might want to be a comedian some day. I like to tell jokes and stuff and act funny."
3. And then I wrote one of my first jokes. It goes like this: "Why does pizza have to be on a bagel to be eaten any time?"

I murdered at recess with that one.

That's it. Follow your dreams. Don't give up. Drink more coffee. I've HAD SO MUCH COFFEE today.

When You Know You're Doomed

Monday, October 5, 2015

There's a few times in life when you just know things are bad and there's a good chance you're not going to make it.

One is when a private number calls your cell phone. When I see "blocked number" pop up on my iphone my stomach drops and I think, shit, they've found me. Who's found me? I'm not sure. And that's the scary part.

Answering this call is like going to your front door when the door bell is ringing manically at 3:00 a.m. You just know you're probably going to die.

The second time is when you're watching TV alone, it's usually dark, probably storming, and suddenly the TV goes fuzzy. This hasn't happened for a while, but being a child of the 90s, I knew the blizzard screen all too well. And every time it happened I was just waiting for the poltergeists to come out and take me.

And then there's what happened to me a few nights ago. Let me set the scene for you.

It's a nice scene, right? I was enjoying myself.

I had just dropped Chris off at the airport for a quick golf/hunt/fish/man trip. I had the night to myself and was ready to write 1000 pages on my book. Instead I binged on Netflix and pizza for five hours. Such is life.

I went to bed around midnight with a lamp on in my living room, and in my bathroom, and in the kitchen. I like to keep the house well lit when I'm alone. I turned on the fan for some white noise and settled in for a nice sleep.

And then 30 minutes later I woke up because the fan stopped. I reached down to make sure it was still plugged in, and it was. So I got up to turn on the light to see what was going on. And when I flipped the light switch nothing happened. That's when I looked into my hall and saw nothing. I saw nothing because my apartment was pitch black. Not only were my lamps off, the street lights that usually rush in through the big front windows weren't blaring off my walls like they usually do, either.

Everything was black. The electricity was out.

My first thought was logical: someone was trying to kill me. So far they were doing a good job. I could feel my blood pressure rise and knew there was a good chance I'd die of a heart attack in the next two minutes anyway.

Harlow's not a fan of the dark either.  So when I crept back to bed realizing I was probably safer under my blankets, rather than anywhere else, he literally laid right on top of me. His face as close to my face as possible. A protector dog he is not.

And so I laid in bed under every blanket, with a 70  lb dog on my head, breathing right into my face. Because if there's anything I learned as a child, as long as you're under a blanket you're probably safe.

And then the ghost noises started. Without a fan to make a little background music, I heard every creak, squeak, and boo in our ancient apartment. I wanted to turn on my rain machine on my phone but my battery was at 12%.  I just couldn't risk it because I knew I had to conserve battery for the moment I would have to call 911- which was obviously going to happen at some point in the night.

Long story short, I survived (barely.) The electricity popped on around 5:45 a.m. announcing its return by blasting every light I had tried to turn on during the middle of the night.

Chris is back from his man trip and all is right again.

All is right except for the fact it's Monday.

nebrowse Top Picks

Sunday, October 4, 2015

For your Sunday viewing pleasure I've rounded up a few of my favorite picks from nebrowse for this week.

This LOVE string art design by talented friends from SkotchDesigns. 

Check out their awesome dipped chevron designs while you're at it.

These earrings by Kindred Jewelleria.

And for the babes, these adorable little slippers. I'm into anything Buffalo Plaid right now.
Speaking of babies, might as well mention this polka dot headband as well.

Bringer of Nature necklace by SoHoney.

All of the awesome prints by CuteZPrints.

And now just for my Nebraska loving pals...

Search no more for that perfect red scarf. We've got it. And it's big and warm and oh so cozy.

This adorable little onesie.

And finally these small barn tin signs.

Comments turned off today, happy nebrowsing! Enjoy the rest of your Sunday!


Friday, October 2, 2015

I have another post already written for today. Like most of my others it's pretty silly and sarcastic.

But I'm not in the mood to post it right now. Instead it feels a little like Ground Hog day to me because I'm watching the news about yet another school shooting. It's the 45th school shooting we've had in 2015. FORTY FIVE. I've checked this number like ten times because it just doesn't seem right to me.

I remember Columbine like it was yesterday. I was in 6th grade and it scared the hell out of me. For the next few weeks I jumped at every loud noise I heard in school. I felt safer on the street than I did in my classroom. I had nightmares that the shooters were going to get me.

But I got over it.

Until I started working in high schools for my first job after college. I was in a school and had left about an hour before they went into lockdown because a student brought a gun in and was waving it around making threats. He didn't shoot anyone, but it was enough to scare me again.

And then the Aurora shooting happened. Movie theaters make me nervous now too. In Chicago you have to get a pat down and someone checks your bags. I like that they do this. It makes it a little better.

But I still think about the possibility of a shooter every single time I go to a movie. Right when I sit down I look for the exits and make a mini plan in my head of what I would do.

I'll probably get over it with time.

Or maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just keep adding places in my head that make me nervous as these mass shootings keep happening.

How bad does it have to get before something changes I wonder? The "prayers and thoughts" are appreciated but I feel like it's time for more than that.

I don't have an end to this post. I'll go on with my day like normal, I'll post stupid photos on Instagram of Harlow and coffee and scarves, and it will be fine.

I'll move on from this just like everyone else will who wasn't directly affected.

We'll move on from it until it happens again. And then we'll all just go into repeat mode. Because like President Obama said," mass shootings have become routine in our country."

But routines can change. And it's time for this one to stop.

Harlow's Commercial Debut

Thursday, October 1, 2015

I've come to terms with it. Harlow has "made it" and I haven't.

Do I still want to write movies? Of course. Maybe get crazy and be in a movie or two? Sure. Why not? But I've put my dreams on hold for a bit in order to help Harlow's career. His was simply moving faster than mine so it had to be done. It's what any good (stage) mom would do.

I was contacted by Volvo a few weeks ago because they wanted to hire Harlow for a shoot. You know those commercials on TV where it shows people driving cars and in the background it says "these are real people, not actors" well it was something like that.

Given Harlow's good looks and natural charisma on camera, they wanted to shoot a short clip of him test driving their new car. Click here to see what I'm talking about. Dogs driving cars. I just can't.

Okay so I'm kidding about the Harlow driving part (obviously) he can barely get himself out of a blanket. God love him, but he's not the smartest Vizsla there ever was. But I really hope you clicked on that video because through out my entire correspondence with Volvo I got such a chuckle imagining they really wanted to Harlow to drive a car.

Anyway...  they wanted to film Harlow "testing" out the new dog friendly features while I drove the car to the dog beach and talked all about Harlow. Naturally it was an easy task for me.

Truthfully, I'm not sure if it's going to be a real commercial, or an internet commercial, or if I actually just drove around with some random Swedish people yesterday for their own personal enjoyment? Like any good stage mom I didn't read any of the papers I signed, I just told them Harlow likes to be paid in salmon dog jerky and he demands only yellow Skittles in his trailer. Beyond that, we were good to go.

So that was our day yesterday. Harlow was referred to as "the star" while I was called "the dog mom." Dreams, you guys. It's all happening for me so fast!

And now in honor of October 1st I'm going to finish by showing you some photos that fill me with all of the warm basic fuzzy feelings this time of year. #thedailybasic feed just smells like pumpkin spice and blanket scarf and I love it so hard. If you're not already, follow these gals because they're nailing basic.






Share your basic photos using #thedailybasic and it you want to make sure I see them tag me @thedailytay for a chance to win the Basic Girl gift package.

Now go take on October before it's over. It's practically already Christmas.

My History With The Catholic Church

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

I'll admit it. Like so much of America last week, I had some major Pope fever going on. I still kinda do.

I watched the news stories, I read every article online, and I even started following the Pope on Twitter and Instagram (and vine. ) The man sends some hilarious clips, I gotta say.

And guess what I see right before I go to bed? This dreamy face.

The ceiling in my bedroom is covered with magazine clippings of PF (that's what I call him.) I couldn't help myself. I just lay there at night and imagine getting blessed by him.

Wanna know how you know you're a "crazy girl?" You start drunk tweeting the man you have a crush on.

Now if you're observant you're probably looking at this tweet going, Taylor it was 7:07 p.m. get your life together.

It was a Husker game day AND I went to Oktoberfest. If the worst thing I do after a few beers is starting tweeting compliments to the Pope, I think I'm doing okay. *Just for the record I also tweeted "I love Pope" about ten minutes later...

Anyway, I sent the adoring tweet and that was that. Until I got the response you see above. And was totally UGHHHH about it. Like stop trying to get me back Catholic Church, you're looking desperate.

Which brings me to part two of this post.

I was raised Catholic, did the whole First Communion thing when I was a kid and totally NAILED it, if I do say so myself.

A short veil and white ruffle socks with size 11 sandals? Don't mind if I do! Let's take a closer look at the detail on my amazing dress.

I don't know why my parents insisted I get braces, but they did. They were adamant about it, in fact.

I can't help but think I would have grown up with a lot more character had I been forced to go through life with those spiky talons for front teeth. Kids, never open cans with your teeth. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

But I digress. Back to the catholic church.

I left the catholic church for two reasons:

#1. I can't get into a church who is so out spoken about not letting gays get married. I went to a service last spring and almost walked out because I found the priest's message so judgmental and downright offensive to homosexuals. It was just hurtful.

#2. Women can't be priests. Soooo..... no. Not for me. How could I take my non existent daughter to that church some day and let her know that men will always be one peg higher?

And sure, you can give me reasons why the catholic church doesn't allow women to be priests, but honestly I don't care. In my opinion not equal is not equal.

And #3. I hated "may peace be with you time" because I never had anyone to peace with!!! So embar.

And yet.

Yet I still love Pope Francis. Perhaps I'm being a bit dreamy eyed here and am only choosing to see what I want, but what I do see is so good.

He's known as the "Peoples Pope" because of his simple and humble lifestyle. He refuses dinner with the elite so he can eat with the homeless. He's known to frequently give kids rides on his Popemobile. He "sneaks out" of the Vatican at night dressed as a regular priest so he can give money and food to the homeless.

He just seems like such a good man. And maybe I'm so interested in him because I feel like our world is starved for more selfless generous leaders who truly care about the people.

Or maybe it's just because he's the dreamiest.

What do you think? Any Pope fans in the house?

A Very Important Message Regarding New FACEBOOK LAWS

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

I have a really important message I need to share with you. I'm using this photo of Harlow because I think he looks really important and will help convey the importance of this important message.

It's regarding Facebook. If you want to keep your Facebook private or free or from blowing up in your face you have to read this. Don't worry, I'll explain everything and even break it down line by line for you.

Now it's official! It has been published in the media.
Anything "published in the media" is official. Please don't ever forget that, the media is very important and official. They always tell the truth and know what's going on, especially when it comes to Facebook and the like.

Facebook has just released the entry price: $5.99 to keep the subscription of your status to be set to "private".
Starting some day very soon in the near far future, you're going to have to pay at least $6 to someone in the near far future to keep your Facebook posts private to just your 2,500 online friends. This is very scary stuff, if you're sharing important photos on the internet that you want to be kept private, you better listen up.

If you paste this message on your page, it will be offered free (paste not share) if not tomorrow, all your posts can become public.
The robots will check and they will know if you shared and didn't paste. So for the LOVE OF GOD, PASTE. Oh my gosh. Because if you don't, all of those photos you're sharing on the internet that you don't want some people to see, well they're going to become PUBLIC. All of your posts that you have indeed put out there (online and not just kept to yourself like you could have) they're going to be public. Which we just can't have. I don't know about you, but I don't update my status for the world to see. It's for my eyes only.

Even the messages that have been deleted or the photos not allowed. 
Do you not understand the seriousness of this nature?! All of those life threatening messages you chose to send via Facebook messenger will be out there for the world. Your bank accounts, your social security, your STD history, everything you have willingly put online, will indeed be online.

After all, it does not cost anything for a simple copy and paste.
But the cost to not simply copy and paste? Do I even have to say it? Your children lives are at stake here. Do not do that to the children you love posting photos of online.

As of September 28 2015 4:05 Eastern standard time, I do not give Facebook or any entities associated with Facebook permission to use my pictures, information, or posts, both past and future.
It is currently September 29 2015 11:01 a.m. central standard time, are you too late? May God be with us all.

By this statement, I give notice to Facebook it is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute, or take any other action against me based on this profile and/or its contents. 
A statement like this PASTED (not shared) on your Facebook wall is just about as official as something gets.

The content of this profile is private and confidential information. The violation of privacy can be punished by law (UCC 1-308- 1 1 308-103 and the Rome Statute). 
Never second guess the Rome Statue. It wasn't built in a day, you know?

NOTE: Facebook is now a public entity. 
Did you note this? If you didn't, please do so now.

All members must post a note like this. If you prefer, you can copy and paste this version. 

If you do not publish a statement at least once it will be tactically allowing the use of your photos, as well as the information contained in the profile status updates. 
Remember when you pasted something like this to your wall last year? And the year before? And the year before? None of those matters. Only this one does. If you don't, Facebook can sell all of those photos of you and your husband on your honeymoon making weird honeymoon friends with Trish and David from Nevada taking shots by the pool that one day you got really crazy and acted all goofy and put on a sombrero and then Trish drank a little too much tequila and passed out under her lawn chair! Do you know how much money Facebook will make off of a photo like that? MILLIONS. Do not do that to Trish and David.

DO NOT SHARE. You MUST copy and paste.
Please do this, all of your Facebook friends deserve to know.

If you think I'm an asshole for posting this I am okay with that, I'm willing to take one for the team in order to get this important message across to the public.