It’s been a long spring. Thus the delay of that one moment that causes me fear and anxiety at the start of every new summer: the first time I put on jean shorts for the season.
How I think I’m going to look:
How I actually look:
And now I bring you: The Seven Stages of Grief- when trying on jean shorts.
Shock and Denial.
Something doesn’t feel right here… These can’t be the jean shorts I lived in last summer. They just can’t be. Last summer they were cute and fit great, maybe even a little loose. Now they’re gross and tight. These must be the wrong the pair.
Furthermore, these can’t be my legs either. My legs are tan and tone. I don’t know who these pale hairy tree stumps belong to, but they’re not mine. I’d like my model legs back please.
Pain and Guilt.
I knew I should have worked out over the winter. But holy shit, it was a long winter! What was I supposed to do? Join a gym? Okay yea, I should have joined a gym.
These hurt my thighs. They’re gripping too tight. I feel claustrophobic.
The waistband is actually leaving a mark. Is wedgie a good look right now? Because if I pull these shorts up just a little higher, they kinda fit. And they also hurt more. Can you get hemorrhoids from jean shorts that are too small? Asking for a friend. A friend named Hemorrhoid.
Anger and Bargaining.
Jean shorts are STUPID anyway. Why are we sill wearing them? Remember back in the early 2000s? Nobody wore them. We made fun of them. We called them jorts, but not in a funny way. Let’s bring back loose fitting capri pants. Anyone? Anyone? What about cargo shorts? Now THOSE are fun! All the pockets! Know what I could put in all those pockets? These stupid tiny jean shorts!
Depression and Loneliness.
Everybody can pull off jean shirts except me. Literally every single person in this world looks cute in jorts BUT me. It’s fine. Such is a life. I’m a loser. No one likes me. I’m destined for a life of solitude without jean shorts. I’ll just go live in a hole.
A hole. Wait a second. Maybe if I just cut another hole in these near the thigh they might fit? Shitty looking holy covered distressed jean shorts are very in right now.
And is that self-tanner I see hiding in my bathroom? The lid might be stuck shut from the brown goo coating it, but hey it probably still works. If not I’ll just go roll in brown sugar. That’ll make my skin shine!
I’m going to make it. If I do enough squats in these shorts they might really fit.
Acceptance and Hope.
This is okay. Summer is finally here and I have every right to wear these jean shorts. I thought people might stare and point at my glowing winter legs out of hiding for the first time in ten months, but maybe it’s all in my head?
Maybe tomorrow I’ll go get a pair of high waisted shorts and let my butt cheeks free fall like all the cool young girls are doing now. Why not? Free the cheeks!
*Free the cheeks. Unless you’re very modest like me and get uncomfortable at the thought of strangers looking at your cheeks. Like I always say, just do you!