For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to have a talent agent. It didn’t matter that as a child I had no idea what agents did, I just knew I wanted one. There was a scene in this terrible movie with Michael J Fox from the 90s called Life With Mikey where he brings in tons of child actors to audition in front of him that I would watch on repeat when I was little. I would literally rewind the scene over and over trying to figure out what those kids had that I didn’t. I guess I just wanted to make sure I was prepared in case the day would ever come that I would suddenly get discovered while shopping at the mall. Sadly it never happened. However it should be noted here that I did get asked to work at Abercrombie more than a few times. No big deal.
I had the same fascination with the movie Beaches and all of the scenes involving a young tap-dancing CeCe Bloom. Man that kid was ugly, sure she could sing and dance, but she wasn’t easy on the eyes. The poor thing would give me nightmares if I looked her straight in the eyes for too long. Not like that pretty little brunette girl who could walk up the stairs on her hands.
But anyway, I told myself that 2014 is the year I’m going to live out all of my failed childhood dreams and I’m going to get myself an agent. I’ve been working on my acting resume adding little parts here and there, and I even got fancy new head-shots that I was really hoping would make me look like … I don’t know… not me? I shouldn’t say that, I mean I was hoping they’d make me look like a much much better version of me. We all know I tend to get a little googly-eyed/ Stephanie Tanner chin’d in front of the camera from time to time.
The goal of head-shots is to show off how many different looks you have. Ready to see more close-ups of me than you ever wanted to see? Great, let’s do this.
I know what you’re thinking, this girl is a chameleon! Thank you, that’s so sweet of you to say. I can barely recognize myself either. What can I say, I’m a girl of many faces.
Photo #1 says “I like to wash my clothes with Downy because it just feels nice.”
Photo #2 says “I used to suffer from chronic hemorrhoids and was scared to play in bounce houses or wear tight pants. But thanks to Preparation H my body belongs to me again.
Photo #3 says: “I found my match on eHarmony. Isn’t about time you did too?
Well last Saturday there was a workshop going on called “How To Get An Agent.” This is just perfect I thought to myself as I practiced my monologues in the mirror! So I marched my happy ass to the workshop last weekend and got there at least twenty minutes early and sat down in the third row. But after a second of thought I decided to move up to the front row. Why the hell not? 2014 is the year I’m getting an agent after all!
The woman who led the conference is the head of an agency downtown. She had a pixy haircut, a pixy little body, and square rim glasses that nearly took over it all. I guessed her to be about sixty? In the beginning I smiled at her the entire time and laughed at all of her smug jokes, because like everybody else in the room I was dying for her acceptance. And she knew this. She knew she was the God of the room and all of us lowly actor folk were there just waiting for her to discover us and take us under her Godly wing of knowledge and power.
Well eventually the God of Talent started telling us “what the industry is looking for right now.” At this point she literally looked right at me (because remember I was sitting in the front row) and said “if you have blonde hair and blues, you’re not getting work right now.” The rest of the class laughed and I actually did too. I’ve heard this before, remember I’m the Most Indistinguishable Girl in the World. I’m generic looking, I get it. It honestly didn’t bother me. What bothered me is when she went on to say this exact thing at least five more times, each time making sure to look right at me. “YOU WILL NOT WORK,” is basically what I heard time and time again. By the end it just felt rude and unnecessary.
But then she went on to insult Nebraska. And nobody insults Nebraska but me. She said something to the effect of “even inbreds in Nebraska are watching TV,” or something ignorant like that. By now I was literally fuming. And then do you know what she did next? She pulled out an e-cigarette and started smoking it in front of everyone.
Dead. Done. No more.
Wanna know how people smoke e-cigarettes? Like douche bags, that’s how. They can’t just smoke it like a normal cigarette. They have to get this look on their face like they are so damn smug about the fact they are once again smoking indoors and life can finally be as good as it used to be in the 90s. Get out and take your chalk dust with you.
So as it turns out, it might be a little harder than I expected to get an agent in 2014. But I’m not letting old E-Cigs with the pixy cut and wedge snow boots get me down, I’m going to keep trying damn it. I’ve been told I can’t do a lot of things in life, it always just seems to motivate me more in the end.
I’m Paul Harvey, good day.
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