Want to hear a funny story? Good, I’m going to tell you one.
Exactly six years ago today I was lying on a hospital bed hooked up to EKG cords having all sorts of tests done, while also having my blood drawn at least six times a day. Was I sick? Nope. Just shameless. I was in college and thought it would be “fun” to try out a medical study to earn some quick cash. Yea guys, I’m talking about one of those medical studies you see advertised on TV or hear on the radio. The kind of shit you hear and wonder what kind of creep actually does this stuff? This creep, that’s who.
I spent five long days locked in a “hospital” testing out a new drug just because I wanted to go to Europe for spring break. You want to know what kind of people do medical studies? Gross people. I was lucky because my study was specifically for people ages 18-23 who didn’t smoke or do illegal drugs so at least my fellow study participants weren’t that bad. But let me tell you, there were some real characters in the joint. AKA, the lifers. As in people who just do one medical study after the other after the other and that’s their full time “job.” I learned real quick the lifers were not the kind of people you wanted to mess with in the rec room or the yard.
Yea, life on the inside for those five days was hard. I slept in my bunk in all of my clothes with one eye open and one hand on the plastic knife I took from the cafeteria. We weren’t allowed weapons for obvious reasons. We also weren’t allowed our phones (because sexual predators were taking photos of the women one nurse told me the day I checked in.)
“Wouldn’t it just be easier to not allow sexual predators in here?” I asked.
And I swear to God she looked at me matter-of-factly and said, “Oh we don’t do background checks. We’d lose most of our study participants if we did.”
A sane person would have ran the hell back to their cozy little sorority house on the college campus and laughed with all of her prissy friends about what she almost got herself involved with, but not me. I thought, oh yea that makes sense. And I marched inside ready to start my five days of lock up.
Long story short, I survived the five days without a scratch and made some great friends out of the experience. Hello to Starr and Junior if you’re reading! I hope everything turned out okay with your legal issues. And as for any weird side effects from the unknown drug I was testing, I haven’t had any. Besides the fact I now grow red curly hair on my heels and my eyes roll back in my head every time I hear a bell ring.
I have no idea why I am talking about this right now. I had intended to write a boring old post about how I have so much to do this week and blah blah blah but then I happened to look at the date and couldn’t help but chuckle thinking about where I was just six years ago at this time.
So cheers to the week ahead, whatever you might have going on. If you’re feeling bogged down just remember things could always be worse, you could be waking up in a bunk bed at an MDS medical study in Lincoln, Nebraska with a woman named “Peaches” sleeping below you in a tie dye Pooh Bear t-shirt.
Haha I am not so sure I am brave enough to do something like but makes for an interesting story. Hope you made it to Europe with that money!
eeek! I'd seen those things and always wondered who did them. Good thing you have no lasting side effects. I'm sure the hair on your heels keeps your feet warm. Like permanent fuzzy slippers.
bisous
Suzanne
Oh my god I am way to much of a freak to ever do anything like that. I would be convinced I was dying from it for all the years to follow, because I am crazy.
and it's super creepy that it just attracts tons of sexual predators….woof.
I've gotta ask…did you end up making even money to get your trip to Europe?
Hmm, should I admit now that I signed up for the medical study listserv just two weeks ago to potentially fund my trip to Australia?
Now I'm thinking it's better that I decided to put off that trip until I could afford it without selling my body to science…
Oh. My. Goodness!! You are much braver than I would be! Glad you haven't had too many side effects! 😉 & Yes, I want to know too… did you go to Europe after all??
I'm so paranoid that I could never do something like that. I'd be having side effects or so I'd convince myself till the day I died! I sure hope you made it to Europe. I think if I ever get locked up I'll just choose jail over medical study. Sound about the same to me!
Eek, that sounds crazy! And yes, did you get the money to go to Europe?
I thought about doing something like that once… then I decided it probably wasn't a good idea. But kudos to you for trying it out!
of course you did this. i almost did one a few years back but glad i didn't after reading this. no background check?! who knows maybe I'll do it just for kicks.
I did something similar in college! Not five days (OMG) but 1 day of testing in a hospital where I was hooked up to a needle for most of it as part of an alcohol drug study. They basically got me drunk. The things people do for money!!
Haha girl you are cray! No background checks? I was out of there!
Not going to lie, I was tempted to sign up for one of these studies when I was unemployed.
I donated plasma to help pay for my spring break in Europe! That had a room full of "winners"! Oh the things college kids will do for a little extra cash.
HAHA!! This post had me laughing out loud. This is great!
xo, Taylor
This story just made my Monday MUCH brighter. Such a funny story! "My time on the inside …" Thanks for the laugh! 🙂
It's always important to celebrate important dates, and this one certainly sounds like a milestone! I'm a psychology student and have to participate in a lot of studies for credit, but I peace out if it's longer than 2 hours, ha!
Oh thank you for making me smile on this dreary Monday! It is so gloomy here today!
I love you so much for this post.
Also, contrary to popular belief, I AM going to respond to your email sometime soon.
My week didn't kick off to a great start with me being sick and all but today is Tuesday and I am feeling better then I did yesterday so things are improving
Greatest story I've ever heard….. Places like that should really consider vetting out their patients based on personal hygiene. I work in health care and bed bugs are no joke. Except when it happens to someone else I never have to be in contact with. In which case, its hilarious!
This is amazing. I hope you and Peaches keep in touch. She sounds like a good person to have on your sid.
wow, definitely brave/crazy (both!)
A friend of mine did a medical trial and lost feeling in his hand for 6 months. They did pay nicely though!
I literally burst out laughing at this. I did a birth control study there. While I, thankfully, didn't have to stay the night there, the visits I had were always interesting. I walked outta there like cash money!! But felt like I had lost a piece of myself in the process. 🙂
Haha I did some studies like this in college too…yeah, I did multiple but hopefully didn't make myself a "lifer" status. There was a point where I was hooked up to an exercise bike with a tube that went in my nose and out my mouth to measure something about breathing but all I remember thinking was that I always tried to do that nose to mouth trick with a spaghetti noodle but couldn't for how much it made me gag and here I was…for no more than $50 I'm sure