So I’m sitting on the doctor’s bench waiting for the exam to begin. It wasn’t a lady exam, just a regular check up.
The young doctor comes in and makes a bit of small talk, then hands me a gown and says, “take everything off from the top down,” and politely walks back out.
That’s weird I thought, I’ve never had to strip down for a normal check up. But hey, I’m not a doctor so who am I to question, right? So I followed the doctor’s orders and got into my birthday suit and then sat back down and put “the robe” on. It was at this point I noticed it was a short robe. The type that ends at about the belly button, you know for like breast exams or … very small humans I guess. Again, I thought this seemed a little off. Maybe he brought me the wrong one on accident?
I didn’t know. But I didn’t want to be annoying and so I reminded myself to trust this guy, he was a doctor after all. So there I was, sitting on a tall doctor bench in a crop hospital top and no pants.
When the doctor walked back into the exam room he took one look at me and said, “Um, uh, I’m sorry. I, where’s your pants?”
Over there. I thought you said to take it all off from the top down.
No, I actually said, just take your top off under the gown.
(Say those two lines out loud, I swear they sound similar)
Ah, that makes more sense. I was wondering why I needed to be naked for this. But I’m not a doctor. So… You know. I wasn’t going to question anything. I’m from Nebraska. (I honestly said this. I don’t know why.)
Nope, I’m just checking your heart and lungs. You can leave your pants on for that. You can even leave your bra on if you’d like. That’s why I gave you the short robe…
Now for a doctor, this guy seemed a little flushed. At least I thought so. So then that got me all flushed and embarrassed.
So when he said, “Okay then, I’m going to step out and let you put your pants back on,”
I tried to make a joke because that’s what I do when I’m uncomfortable and I responded, “no promises! ha ha.” Ha. Ha.
And then he didn’t look at me and he walked out.
Five minutes later a new doctor came in. The other one “had to tend to one of his regular patients” apparently.
I was mortified. As I’m writing this, I can still feel the heat on my cheeks as I remember this moment.
Have you had a moment like this? I want to do something fun today just to toss things up a bit. I’d like to hear your most embarrassing/funny/mortifying/humiliating/weird confession or story.
The best ones usually can’t be told, so I’m going to allow anonymous comments today. Erin did this years ago with this post and it has intrigued me ever since.
I want something to laugh about today, so let’s make this a space for that. However if you’ve been dying to tell me how much you hate me/my blog and would like to comment that under your anon name, please don’t. I’ll just delete it and then I’ll feel bad about it, and then I’ll probably be mean to a stranger on the street because that’s how the cycle of mean works. Just email me your hate comments instead, ok?
I just want this to be fun. In the midst of bad news in this world we can all use a chuckle every once in awhile.
So let’s get these going. I can never go back and see who left the comments, they are 100% anonymous. Anything goes. Alcohol induced confessions or stories are more than welcome.
I pooped my pants in the car last week… (I didn’t, I promise.)
I eat my deodorant (no, I don’t.)
Someone once walked in on me doing…
I like to roll in butter then sprinkle myself with glitter and lay on the couch (this one might be true.)
i really did shit my pants last week.
I did this two weeks ago. At work. In a thong and a dress. Granted, I have stomach issues but needless to say I went home.
whenever i have the flu i shit and vomit at the same time.
im really excited for this.
I once stupidly mentioned the word "bomb" while going through security at the airport while I was with a bunch of coworkers. This was not a good idea. I was immediately taken aside and questioned and yelled at and was forced to board the plane very last and do the walk of shame back to all of my colleagues. will never forget it.
I don't know why this is still so embarassing to me, but I remember once in 7th grade we had an english assignment that I THOUGHT was "Interview your parents about your favorite book as a child", so I happily do my assignment and ask my mom the questions about what books I loved as a kid and went to school the next day ready to share. Apparently the assignment had been "Interview your parents about THEIR favorite book" (clearly listening was not a strong suit of mine at age 12), and after several kids read off titles that an adult would obviously read (Angela's Ashes, Of Mice and Men, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest ), it came to be my turn and I read out such adult classics as Where the Wild Things Are, Chicken Soup with Rice and Pippo. I remember my teacher being like "Oh, a child at heart!" and I wanted to be like no I'm an idiot sorry my mom is literate. Still cringing about this 12 years later.
I can totally relate to this child humiliation. One time my mom was the only parent who showed up to PE class to watch us square dance. I thought parents were supposed to come, they weren't. So I just looked like the weird kid begging my mom to come watch me square dance in PE…
When I was younger (maybe 6 or 7) I was sick, running a fever and had an upset stomach and it was awful. Now, my dad, when he is sick, he sleep talks, sleep walks, does a lot of strange things in his sleep from the fever. Apparently, I inherited this trait because in the middle of the night, I woke up with some "tummy troubles" and being all feverish and confused (because I was 6 or 7 and it was dark) I went in my closet instead of my bathroom. I woke up with a hazy memory of going to the bathroom and a strange smell coming from my closet. I opened the door, and that's when I saw it: diarrhea all over my barbies. I had mistaken the big tupperware box they were stored in for a toilet.
It was a very traumatic experience. I'm not sure I ever told my mom, just gave my barbies a bath with tears streaming down my eyes and when mom came in, I just told her they were having a pool day.
I am dying. Bless your sweet anonymous soul for sharing this. This one will be hard to top. But if you ever do standup in your life, start with this story. I have tears in my eyes.
Hahah I love this so much- "diarrhea all over my Barbies". And you didnt tell your mom? What a trooper.
Oh gosh! Something very similar, except I got disoriented in my room. Couldn't find my way out in the middle of the night when I was very young and had to tinkle. Made it into my closet, did my thing, and then couldn't get out of my closet. Cue the screaming child.
My mom came rushing in, totally disoriented because at first she couldn't find me. And when she did?
*sigh*
So. When I was in 8th grade, I thought that I had a "hairy lip"…in fact, I didn't, but when you are in 8th grade & your 18 year old sister has facial depilatory cream in her make-up drawer…you MUST STEAL IT.
Also, when you're in 8th grade, you don't really know how to use these things & you sure as hell don't ask anyone how. So you end up with BURNS on your upper lip. That's right. I had to walk around with burns on my upper lip for, like, two weeks. Can you imagine the horror? Who cares if it was painful.
Shout out to my friends who will read this and remember…
I once meant to text my friend about a guy I was flirting with at a party. I sent the text to the guy instead. It was okay though, we laughed about it and it wasn't awkward for long!
I giggled out loud when I read your "no promises" line! Too funny.
And I totally can't think of anything incredibly embarrassing (which, does not mean that I'm not embarrassed..I don't know how anyone could go through life without being embarrassed!), but one time I very vividly remember going to school in ALL green (I'm talking pants, shirt AND shoes) for St Patrick's Day because I had this horrible nagging feeling that someone would pinch me! Everyone sort of ignored me that day..ha!
I have a huge labrador that is honestly missing a few brain cells and not the brightest crayon in the box. One winter she needed to go outside. It had recently snowed and there was about 3 feet of snow in the back yard. I threw on my favorite ratty oversized (by 3 sizes) pair of sweats and let her out. My neighbor was out in his back yard shoveling off his patio. I stepped outside to say hi and this was when my dog decided that snow was new (She had lived in a Northern state her entire life at this point) and that she had to express her excitement for the magical white stuff. So she came running up to me, grabbed my sweats and started pulling me to the middle of the yard. It was slippery, Im only 5 feet tall and outweigh her by only 20 pounds or so. Needless to say she won. She ran off frolicking in the snow with my sweats in her mouth. I'm in a snow drift without pants. She thought it was a game and decided to run around in circles in the snow.
My neighbor was laughing so hard I'm quite sure he was going to have a stroke.
I finally managed to crawl out of the snow drift and back into the house where I spent the rest of the day bundled up in blankets and shame cursing the dog. Who spent the day curled up next to me licking me in remorse.
I have tears rolling down my cheeks, this story has brightened up my entire week you poor little pantless thing!! xx
this is wonderful. your dog is a comedian.
You win. THIS WINS.
I was in college, living at home, and my boyfriend and I decided to "go to the store" aka go parking since my parents were home. We thought we were in a very hidden spot on a back road, but apparently not. As we were getting dressed, in the car, police lights came on. Please note that I had no shoes on, pants unzipped, the works. We tried lying, and I think that is even more embarrassing than getting caught. This, I'm pretty sure, will ALWAYS be my most embarrassing moment.
In college I was finally asked out by a guy I had had a crush on for YEARS in high school (and he knew it). He came over and made me dinner and we made out on the couch…. When he left I was so disappointed because not only was he a TERRIBLE kisser but an awful cook (hey that's important too!). I texted my best friend "OMG, so upset that Chris did not live up to my dreams! He was an awful kisser and it was a terrible date." But…. I accidentally texted him and not my bff. Needless to say we didn't have a second date.
I had a really long commute at my old job and I was on the train back to Grand Central. I was getting drowsy, so I put my book on my lap and started to doze off. I was still a tiny bit awake, though, so when I felt my book slip onto the floor I squeezed my knees together to try to catch it. Unfortunately, the man sitting opposite me had nicely tried to catch it as it fell as well. All that happened was that I ended up trapping his hand between my knees. I was still pretty sleepy so I didn't immediately realise what had happened…
My husband likes to randomly text me, "You're good in bed". My 8 year old daughter plays games on my phone a lot but never bothers reading my texts or anything. This time though, when the message popped up, she said, "Hey Mama, the message says you're good in bed!". My in-laws were sitting in the room at the time. They turned and stared at me, saying nothing. I could FEEL my face getting hotter by the second. I still feel dumb when I think about it…..
These are so so great, I am dying
I needed an last minute doctor's appointment, but my doctor (a woman) was out of town. I was told that I could be seen by her colleague (a male). I was having an issue with severe pain & swelling in my legs & ankles, I knew that I would be asked to remove my pants. I had on the teeny tiniest thong ever and actually debated stopping off at Target on the way to the appointment, but didn't really have enough time. I figured the johnny would cover anything, but with the open back…..I ended up having to standing there (bare a$$ cheeks) in my thong doing various bends and poses… Embarrassing! I went home afterwards and was telling my husband the story and he reassured me that they see all kinds of things and don't care what you have on for underwear.
A few months later, at an appointment with my regular doctor, she was reading my chart and says "oh, it was you that Dr so & so saw while I was on vacation. He was trying to describe you to me and I had no clue who he was talking about". To this day I am sure he was trying to describe me, so she would know which of her patients had on the teeny tiny thong…..
While in my early twenties I worked at an import/specialty store as a cashier. One day I was helping a very attractive older man with his purchase. After I finished ringing up his transaction he handed me cash to pay for the items. As I gave him his change I said the amount out loud, "four dollars and sixty nine sex." I quickly realized what I'd said and could feel myself turning bright red. I laughed nervously. He just smiled and thanked me. The man behind him was still laughing as he approached the counter. I was mortified.
the first time i met my boyfriend's dad he walked in on me pooping. while I was naked (because I was about to shower. i don't usually poop naked.) sometimes i do though. it's more relaxing that way.
I was on a date with a new guy downtown on a Sunday. We had greasy wings and beer (I usually eat pretty healthy, but I was trying to be cool) and then just walked around downtown. Since my stomach is not used to all that grease, I felt my stomach rumble and knew I needed to find a bathroom immediately. I looked and looked for the next block but since it was Sunday and we were in the office-building neighborhood, everywhere was closed. I started to really panic and wonder if I would make it. I had to clench and start walking super slooooow. Of course, he was wondering why I was being so quiet and slow all the sudden and I had to make a decision, tell him that explosive diarrhea was on the horizon, or just risk it? I decided to tell him I wasn't feeling well and really needed a bathroom and hoped he would think I needed to puke or something. He just laughed and said "oh shit….HAHA….lets find you a bathroom" I ended up walking another two blocks to my office building, where I luckily had my access pass, and got to the restroom in time. But…that guy eventually became my husband so it ended up being fine!
Awww
I went on my first plane ride when I was in 7th grade – 12 years old, braces, pimply, gangly – the most awkward time in our lives to begin with. My family sat up in the first row and we could see the flight attendants' seats right in front of us. They started making small talk with the family and at one point, I made eye contact with the female flight attendant. This already terrified me because of how scared I was of conversing with anyone I did not know, but I was so caught up in fear that I didn't hear or understand a word she said. I was too scared to ask her to repeat herself, so she stared at me while waiting for my response. All I did was giggle, look out the window, look back at her, then out the window, then back at her, then out the window, etc. This went on for a good minute or two, all while she's still staring at me. She eventually said, "Right?" to try to move the conversation somewhere, so I just shook my head in agreement and looked back out the window. I didn't make eye contact with anyone for the rest of the flight.
Oh my gosh this was absolutely hilarious! I love that you shared this with us! I am sitting here trying to thing of the most embarrassing moment and the worst one that comes to mind is one time at the lake I was cleaning the boat with my fiance and my stomach was hurting so bad. I thought I just had gas but my fiance decided to let me know it wasn't when it was running down my leg. Luckily I wasn't embarrassed with him but only in fear of the people around me. I quickly ran up the stairs and jumped in the shower clothes and all.
When I was in 9th grade, I had asked a "new" boy from school to our 9th grade Promotion dance. I was shy and not very popular, so I was too excited when the new boy agreed to go to the dance with me. It was a formal dance, and I thought I was really something prancing around with a hottie on my arm. Turns out, when I went to the restroom, the back of my dress got caught in the top of my panty hose, and I was walking around the convention center with my whole backside showing. Luckily, someone fixed it pretty quickly, but not after a lot of people had a few good laughs about it. Just thinking about it gets me flustered to this day!
While I was in high school, there was this guy I really liked. He invited me over one night and I was really excited. So of course I made sure I was all dolled-up and cute. I got to his house and he suggested we watch a movie. After sitting on the couch for a while I needed to use the bathroom. I walked into the bathroom, turned on the lights, and noticed something on the back of my skirt. While sitting watching the movie I got my period! I had a big stain of blood on the back of my skirt and was pretty certain it also got on the couch.
I ran out of the bathroom and told him I had forgotten something in my car (luckily I kept a stash of tampons in my trunk). I went to my car and decided it was a good idea to do it in his driveway. As I was putting the tampon in his parents pulled up and caught me in the act.
His parents were really nice about it but I was still so embarrassed. I went back inside and the guy noticed a "stain" on the couch. I played dumb and told him I had to go home. We didn't talk much after that. I am not even sure his parents told him what had happened, but I couldn't look at him without thinking about it.
I went on a half day canoeing trip in middle school with my church youth group. I hadn't learned how to use tampons yet, so I wore a pad, underwear, shorts. Though we were told not to spash/tip each other over that, of course, didn't happen. I was SOAKED. Some people then decided that we needed to switch canoes (just a shuffling around so we could all hang out) and, when I stood up, there was blood all over my seat. I then had the luxury of telling all of my guy friends how periods work. They called me "teach" for years. It was mortifying.
I was really dark complected as a kid, and one year at summer camp a girl, who was black (I swear that's important), asked me if I was mixed. I thought this meant "Do you have ancestors from many places? Like Ireland and Germany?" and so without hesitation, I said YES! The next words out of her mouth were, "So which one of your parent's is black?" Uhhhhhhh……… "My Dad!" I went the rest of camp with people thinking I was half black, and my (very white, not black) dad was the one picking me up at the end of camp! I had to lay the ground work that my uncle, on my moms side, was picking me up. I was so mortified, and I after she thought my dad was black, I wouldn't go back! I didn't know how to say, "oh no! I just didn't know what they really meant apparently!"
While on a first date with a boy, I was feeling elated that he suggested to go get drinks after dinner. I had my brand new michael kors purse, leather jacket and new jeans on. Of course, I end up tripping on the cobblestone and ripping my brand new jeans and all the contents of my purse go FLYING (and my cell phone actually hit someone else walking). Not only does he have to help pick me and my stuff up, apologize to the victim of cell phone assault, but he also had to help tend to my now bleeding knee at the bar we were walking to. So embarassing.
After a whole semester of partying with booze and pizza I felt awful, sluggish and bloated. I decided to start a hard core workout and diet regime and wanted to lose weight fast. So I went online and read about cortisol pills that were supposed to block fat. I thought that sounded fantastic so I went to the store, bought a pack, and popped a couple in my mouth and then headed to the college gym.. It was 8pm at night – prime gym time apparently because it was packed. 20 minutes into my elliptical work out I got that awful, rumbly stomach feeling. The one that makes your whole body shutter. The feeling passed after a minute so I tried to finish the workout but only made it another 2 minutes before I started to sweat profusely. My stomach started to make these awful loud, slurping, sloshing, gargling noises. I'm certain others around me could hear them so I waddled to the bathroom, trying to squeeze my ass cheeks together because I didn't want to be the girl that shit all over the college gym floor. When I get to the bathroom door it was closed for cleaning. There was another bathroom upstairs but I knew I'd never make it if I had to unclench my ass cheeks to walk up stairs. I waddled outside praying that I could make it to my dorm room 4 buildings away. When I get half way to my dorm room a friend sees me and tries to stop and talk, I pretty much tell her to piss off and waddle/run toward my dorm. As I approach my dorm building I start to smile thinking "omg thank god, you made it!" but then I realize that I don't have my keys to get into the building… They are in a locker.. at the gym.. in the bathroom that was locked for cleaning. So no, I didn't make it.
OMG! I am dying! Hahahaha
If I had a dollar for every time I shit my pants in public in college….
^ FYI – I never took cortisol pills again.
I remember the very first time I ever heard of a tampon… I was a kid and had no idea what they were. I was in a restaurant restroom with my grandmother and younger sister and saw a sign saying something to the effect of "do not flush tampons." Well my sister and I thought this was a HILARIOUS word, and spent the rest of the family meal and car ride home saying, "tampOOOOOOOn!" and cracking up. I wasn't embarrassed by this until years later when I learned what it was.
During college I worked at a huge department store. We were required to wear either skirts or professional clothes. On this particularly fateful day, I was wearing a maxi skirt that was a bit to long for my very short 5'3" self. It wa stage end of the night and the only people left in the store were me, my co-worker/guy I sort of seeing at the time, and our male manager. Mr Manager was standing on the first floor waiting for us to come down the escalator. I was standing backwards on the escalator facing my co-worker just talking about plans for the rest of the night when all of a sudden, about half way down the moving stairs of doom, said escalator decided to start eating my skirt. For some reason the safety function that stops the escalator if something is stuck in it didn't kick in. I bend over to try and pull my skirt out, and so does my co-worker. Doesn't work. My skirt officially gets below the ass. (Please note- I'm wearing a thong. No one likes underwear lines.) My manager has a full moon view and is completely horrified. As we start nearing the bottom, my coworker tries again to pull it out but loses balance and falls forward. Onto me. And somehow we fly back far enough that I am no longer in my skirt at all. And my coworker fell just right, so his face was nestled right in between my boobs. By this point my manager is laughing hysterically and running to get me some form of skirt or pants. It was a shit show. But thank heavens the safety feature kicked in and the escalator stopped. After it ate 3/4 of my skirt. It was a shit show. The best part is getting called into the security room the next day because they decided to watch the tape from that night. They wanted me to watch it with them "for commentary" because it didn't have sound.
OMG I am crying! This is hilarious, but you poor thing, I would have been mortified!
This wins for sure.
hahahaha that's hilarious! A friend of mine pissed on her gyno, so at least you didn't do that! (I promise it's not me. I'd totally own up to that!)
My story starts with alcohol of course. Between senior year of high school and when college started I went to a party at my friend's house. He was friends with my boyfriend at the time who was off in boot camp. I drank about 8 shots of tequila after I had eaten some nachos. Not a good idea. Of course later on I threw up but I was still pretty drunk. Next thing I wake up on the floor in one of the upstairs rooms that had a hole in the door. (How the hole got there, I have no idea but it was not that night) Not only was I pants less but I lost some really nice black lace thong underwear. I honestly couldn't find them anywhere. When I came downstairs, everyone was passed out on the floor/couches down there. Of course I asked if anyone had seen me naked to which they luckily replied "You were NAKED?!" I never found my underwear but I did proceed to make pancakes for everyone cause we all had nasty hangovers.
Okay first off I couldn't stop laughing at this post and it was a GREAT, GREAT needed laugh 🙂
Hmmmm embarrassing moments…. I once was so drunk I ran up to my crush (and good friend) and said WILL YOU JUST KISS ME ALREADY!? And well he did which it could have gone A LOT worse but I still like can't even face him because that was so unlike me and I practically threw myself at him most of the night and he was trying to get with some other girl…. hahaha.
I also once sent a voice memo to a guy while I was dissecting our texts…. good times. Same guy, I also went to text him and somehow sent "hey there strangers m" I think he's done with me hahahaha.
I was on a vacation at my grandparents house when I was around 13 years old. They have a pool and I had been swimming that morning. Then my family and I went somewhere so I threw a skirt on over my tankini. When we got back my brother and my cousins decided to swim. I just wanted to stick my legs in so I took off my skirt and sat down on the edge of the pool. After about 5 minutes my aunt comes over and wraps a towel around my backside. I look down, and realize that when I put the skirt on I had decided to take off my swimsuit bottoms and put on a skimpy thong. So there I was in front of aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents in a thong! My parents were inside so they didn't see. Not sure if any of my family ever told them, but I certainly didn't! I still get embarrassed thinking about what my family must have been thinking, and I really just hope that they all forgot about it!
When my now husband and I first started dating we lived and hour apart. He had just temporarily moved back in with his parents and they are not cool with unmarried couples spending the night together. So we went and parked next to the river to have some backseat fun and some headlights came up behind us and then a spotlight. Luckily we had just started so we weren't right in the middle of and we still had some clothes on. The most embarrassing part though, was when the two cops come up to the window and question us and look at our ids and the lady officer is like, "you guys are 23 and you're still doing it the backseat, don't you have a house?" So we had to explain the temporary parent situation. After they made sure that I was willingly in that backseat they told us to get out of there because the park was closed. So went and parked in a hotel parking lot to finish what we had started 😉
You would think I learned my lesson by now….bachelorette parties are evil. Taylor…you may die at yours. That being said it started with of course, a bachelorette party. I drove more than an hour away to join in some festivities. Well, I was already feeling shitty that day ( I think I had food poisoning), but I swallowed my pride…and vomit…and prepped for a night out. As the bride was getting a weird random strip tease (at a non strip bar) I had to keep going to the bathroom. The night was pretty lame for me…3 drinks the entire time and I wanted to die. On the way back to my friends house the girls wanted some fast food and they thought it would help my stomach. I threw up in the drive thru. Twice. After getting back to the brides place I instantly went to bed. By bed…I mean I slept basically by the toilet the whole night. The next morning I was still feeling deadly and wanted to get home. I drank some water and got on the road. Driving down the highway, I didn't last long. I was not able to pull over so I threw up in the only thing I could…a Big Gulp cup I had in the car. Well, this is all fine and dandy. I kept driving and then realized I had to puke again…but my cup is starting to runneth over! So I did what any classy gal would do…I rolled down my window, threw my vomit out the window and then proceeded to fill it up again. Never again. I can't even SMELL Rumplemints without feeling sick!
I woke up with my period and remembered that I had my dreadful annual appointment the next day. So, I did what any responsible adult would do and decided to give my Doctor a call to inform them I would have to reschedule. Welp, I called my the first "Doctor" in my phone, told the receptionist my name (twice) and gladly (annual, remember) told them I would I would be unable to make my appointment tomorrow. Well, the receptionist was kind enough to inform me that I had called my dentist and being on my period wouldn't be a problem. You can bet I changed dentists after that…!!
One of my most mortifying experiences happened in college. I was dating a frat guy and I often stayed the night even though they had a shared sleeping porch (maybe that should be the embarrassing confession right there). Like many college nights at a fraternity there had been quite a bit of drinking between the two of us. We had snuck off to uh…get busy…about the time we had gotten undressed I started to notice something was off. It was dark, but I could feel it – a warm liquid dripping on me. I immediately paused what was going on, grabbed a sheet and headed for the light switch. You don't really think about how much alcohol thins your blood until and event like this. My boyfriend at the time had gotten a bloody nose. And in our drunken stupor it had gone on a few minutes during our activity (which I was on the bottom for) and I was now, COVERED IN HIS BLOOD. Insert drunken freak out at the frat house. Bawling, screaming, and the most horrific part – having to go into the frat showers to clean myself. Those were almost grosser than that blood. It was a scene far too many people witnessed and I had far too few clothes on for. And blood, so much blood. I will never, ever live that one down.
ooooh, man–I love this prompt!
First of all, I'll start by saying that I never get embarrassed… call it being an extrovert, or overly confident or maybe a little of both, but I just don't get riled up about most anything. 'cept this one time…
I was a college freshman and bebopping around to parties, as one does… clad in my snuggest jeans and silky little lingerie-inspired top, and at least three drinks in, I'm hanging out at a guy friend's apartment–a fourplex actually, with a unit upstairs and one downstairs. We cool kids are hanging outside and just shooting the shit… well, lo and behold, I see one of my good friends from high school, Matt (he was a senior, I was a freshman… one of THOSE tales… was he a crush? was he a big brother? what was he, exactly? other than cute, I'm not quite sure…). so I breeze over to him, heels a-clacking on the sidewalk, "oh my gahhhhhsh, matt! how are you? it's been SO LONG!" simultaneously synced to my embracing him in the most adoring of bear hugs… only to feel him totally stiffen and not say a word.
I pull back and realize… oh. this isn't matt. I have no effing clue who this guy is.
so there's that. my favorite one to tell 😉
I was a dancer for a long long time. One time I was performing at a festival in my hometown with a lot of people in general, but also a LOT of people I knew…like my classmates, teachers, community figures, etc. Part of my costume was like a sparkly bandeau top and it unhooked in the back and just flew off mid dance. Good times.
My most embarrassing story is very Mormon,..since I am one. When my now husband and I were dating, we took a trip to visit his family. One afternoon we were indulging in a super streamy…too steamy.makeout session on the living room couch while his parents were at work. My future father in law walked in. He just said Hi and kept going. He never mentioned it…but I was a "good girl" and I was so mortified.
In college I started dating this guy a few years older than me, we were both in Architecture school and met in an elective. He was a babe, we were getting along great, I was pumped. We used to occasionally jog together. About a month into the relationship, my toe starts killing me for about a week. He asks me to jog, I tell him I think I need to take a jogging break. He tells me to come by his studio, it is probably just a blister that needs to be popped and he will take care of it (architecture students are weird ok?).
I am on the fence, but things have been going so great I think maybe it is just us getting closer. We had already shared lots of body fluid anyway, what the hell I thought. So, I go from class to his studio take off my shoe, he gets a fresh exacto blade out. He cuts into my toe and the most awful smelling, green puss starts coming out. The whole room smells. It won't stop coming. But my toe feels awesome. He starts gagging. Makes an excuse to not go on our run.
I don't hear from him for a week. No answers to text, he avoided our normal study spots at school, nothing. I finally get a text from him saying he's not ready for a relationship. I ask if it was the toe, he says no.
Fast forward to graduation 2 years later (he stayed for his Master's), we always have avoided each other since. At our school after-party, drunk, he stands up on the bar and yells at me "IT WAS THE TOE"!
My little brother accidentally broke my nose on the fourth of july one year… It had shattered all the bones in my face so i had to have reconstructive surgery. I was sort of proud of breaking my first bone and having my first surgery in a single month because it sounds gruesome. The surgery went well, but they kept asking me if I wanted a laxative. I said no because WHY?
Well, the answer is ALWAYS yes because basically anasthsia stops ALL of your body from working including your digestive system. I had no clue. So, when my relatively new boyfriend and I are out to dessert a few nights later (and I'm rocking the plaster cast over my nose -imagine NBA player's face guard but not clear), I feel a sort of churning in my stomach. It surprises me, but then again I'm on pain meds. We finish dessert, all is well, but as we make our way across the parking lot to the pharmacy where my prescription is refilled I realize this churning means BUSINESS.
I run. SPRINT like I'm on fire (which I sort of am, it just happens to be my butt muscles that are burning) into the store where I cannot find the bathroom. Finally, the sign seems to appear magically. I made it, BARELY. But it was terrible in smell. So when the person outside the bathroom waiting was a girl from my high school I wanted to die. Thankfully, my black eyes and swollen cheeks made me unrecognizable.
When we got back to the car, I explained the seriousness of my "issue" to my boyfriend in the most ladylike terms I could. I'd never seen my beau laugh that hard. But then he married me. So, I WIN.
Hmmm….which one shall I tell…the day I burned my car to the ground?? The year I climbed a tree and then peed all over family and friends having a picnic??? I will tell the doctor story…everyone seems to have one. Growing up I had terrible tonsils. I always had strep throat or tonsillitis. My mom says now she wished that she had taken me to have them removed. Now that I am grown I don't have too much trouble with them but they are permanently enlarged and have holes in them. So one day my throat felt really scratchy and I wasn't feeling great so I went to the mirror and looked at my tonsils. Yuck!! I had an ulcer on my tonsil. I wait a few days and it does not go away so I go to the doctor. The doc comes in and I tell him I have an ulcer and he looks at my throat. He pulls back with a puzzled look and grabs the scraper thingie and he starts scraping my tonsil. I, of course, am gagging like a little girl, tears rolling down my cheeks. He sits back with a weird expression on his face. All I can think is oh no….it's worse than an ulcer……I ask him in a trembly voice….."is it an ulcer?" He says "nope…………………….it's……………………bread!" (smirk) Bread…. people!!! I die!!! I was so embarrassed!!! Bread was stuck in my tonsil………….aaaaagggg!!! I couldn't gather my belongings fast enough. He said you can leave your "dough" with the receptionist…..he didn't say that…but that's what I heard. I of course had to change doctors. This one had a "rye" sense of humor……….make me stop…..
I swear I had this exact same thing happen!!! Well, I don't know if it was bread, but I went to the doctor because my throat was hurting some kind of bad and thought it might be strep (I had strep a LOT as a child too but they refused to remove my tonsils). When the doctor looked she said "ahhh! I see!" and then took a long q-tip and pushed the nasty out and said it was food because scar tissue on my tonsils caused "holes" that could catch food. Gross!!!
Thank you for the laugh this morning it felt good better then if I had shit my pants that never feels good just saying
Now what would a young doctor think walking in and seeing a woman with no pants on, I wonder
I once farted during a pap smear and it stunk
I moved back into my parents house briefly in college (like for 2 weeks) until my new apartment was ready to move into. The day we were supposed to move I had to work until 2 pm and was supposed to pack everything up and my parents were going to help move it all over to the new place. I got home at 2 and to my surprise my whole room was already packed up. Everything. Not only my lingerie and what not, but also all the kinky stuff (like "top drawer" stuff) Yikes. My dad never said anything but I still can't imagine the look on his face packing up my "personal items" LOL.
A few months into our relationship, my boyfriend and I decided to take our first trip together. We lived in Indianapolis so Chicago was the perfect place – close enough that travel time was a minimum and super fun. On our first day we stopped at an Irish pub for brunch. I had Eggs Benedict with corned beef and lots of coffee . . . full of fiber. Oh, I also had lots of alcohol.
After brunch we planned to do a little shopping, walk the magnificent mile, maybe go to a museum, so the boyfriend mentioned we should be sure to use the restroom before we left the pub.
'nah, i'll be fine' ' i don't need to go'
not twenty minutes later we were looking for bathroom. my tummy was spinning and sloshing and stabbing me with sharp pains when we came upon a Jimmy Johns! OH THANK YOU JESUS! I WILL GO TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Jesus didn't appreciate this promise because in this single stall bathroom were two older ladies who took about 10 minutes doing whatever it is old ladies do in bathrooms. During these 10 minutes, the line behind me grew as did the stabbing pains in my tumbly. Finally the pressure became too much and I decided . . . I'll just a little fart out to take some pressure off.
It wasn't a fart. . . .
But the story gets better. My bf, thankfully, waited on the street. So he didn't see this go down. I finally re-emerged going commando, and explained about the old ladies. He was none the wiser to the rest of the story and at least my pants are clean I thought. But soon after he started to smell something that didn't appeal to him when I looked down to see stains on my shoes. How this even happened I do not know.
I cried about whatever the crap was on my shoes, he bought me new ones to make me feel better, and two years later – after we were married – I told him the real story.
I was taking a medication that upset my GI system, and I totally shit my pants in Target while trying to get to the bathroom. It was not my most shining moment.
I'm dying. These are gold. Alright I tend to feel other peoples embarrassment and while I never shared this story with the friends it involves I'm still embarrassed for them. We were dog sitting for our friends one weekend and had to stay in their bed. We also brought our dog along who sleeps with us. So the first night we crawl into bed exhausted trying to fall asleep and I hear my dog eating something. I tell my boyfriend to go see what he was eating off the floor. My boyfriend gets up to see and pulls a nasty old crusty condom out of my dogs mouth!!! I was so disgusted and yet felt so awkward for having found it!
All my life I've had a really heavy period. Like need to go to the bathroom every two hours to take care of things. I was horrible about handing this in high school and was really embarrassed about it. One Saturday I went to an all day coven took with some of my classmates for school and I had my period. I realized I had leaked a little so I wouldn't move from my chair for the rest of the day. During breaks everyone was getting up and I wouldn't budge. Everyone kept telling me to get up and I awkwardly kept saying no. It was a long walk back to the bus. To this day I'm still friends with one of the people that were there and every time we talk she brings up this day and how I was so weird and wouldn't get up. I still haven't told her why.
Thank you for posting your story and asking everyone to share theirs. It has made my day.
A few years ago I went on vacation with my boyfriend and my friend. We shared a hotel room together. One night after we got back from a delicious dinner we all walked into the room together. My boyfriend and I left right away to go get some ice and came right back. I was going to put the ice in the bathroom sink to keep our leftovers cold since there was so fridge (classy I know) And in my excitement of the day I just waltzed back into the room and opened the closed bathroom door. I was hit with the smell before I even knew what was happening. My friend started yelling at me to shut the door and it was then that I realized she was in there dropping one. I started choking either from holding back the laughter or from the stench-still not sure which one. I quickly backed out and slammed the door shut.
Unrelated but on this trip my friend also got the name nipples…think of that what you will.
One summer I had a really bad UTI and was taking that over the counter keds that turn your pee BRIGHT orange. I was at the pool with a girlfriend during the week so it was mostly a few families and a few other adults there. I completely forgot about my neon pee and began to pee in the pool (as I always do, don't judge- you do it too). My friend was just talking away and didn't notice anything but when I glanced down there was a huge cloud of neon orange surrounding me. It looked like someone poured Gatorade powder in the pool. Without saying a word I just ducked down under the water and started waving my arms until the Orange cloud disappeared. I ca,e back to the surface expecting my friend to be mortified but she just goes "hm that was weird" and doesn't even miss a beat in whatever story she was telling me. To this day she has no idea.
Omg I used to get UTIs all the time so I am very familiar with the orange pee pill!! Oh man so sorry for laughing hysterically at your misfortune, this was so great.
Thank you for this Taylor. Your posts always make my day.
I was about 5 or 6 and my cousin and I were playing with that toy makeup that everyone had as a kid – with the fab bright orange and pink eye-shadows that have a wax consistency. So anyways, we decided that that red I had on, wasn't exactly bringing out the blue in my eyes, and we went into my aunt's bathroom to find some makeup remover. We tried a few different things but nothing seemed to be working properly. So my cousin found a squirty tube of cream and convinced me to give it a go. Being the nice 6 year old I was, I decided to take one for the team and try the cream out. I rubbed it all over my eyelids/brows but it started stinging. So I rubbed it all off again with water, looked in the mirror and realized that I had removed ALL trace of my eyebrows. It was hair removal cream. Needless to say my aunt nearly died when she seen it and my mom banned me from playing with makeup after I had to rock the 'no eyebrow look' for a couple of months until they grew back. I'm convinced my eyebrows never fully recovered.
These are awesome! I love embarrassing stories 🙂 Mine has to do with learning Spanish, which when you're learning a second language, you will always have a ton of embarrassing moments, but I have to say this tops them all. I was teaching at an academy with three twelve year old boys, and one of the boys was holding his hand strangely so I asked him what was wrong. He said, I have a (blahblah). I couldn't understand so I asked him to repeat himself. He did and I still didn't understand so I tried to repeat what he had said saying, you have a "polla"? And all three boys fell on the floor peeing themselves because they were laughing so hard. I quick translated the word in my phone. Yep, I just asked a twelve year old boy if he had a cock.
hahahahaha
My husband is Russian and English is his second language so things come out funny quite often. The best one though is when we were engaged. He asked my Dad if he could use his condoms for our honeymoon. He ment to say Condo's.
When I was in third grade, my favorite movie was "The Sword In The Stone," and my favorite scene was the one where Merlin and the Wart transform into squirrels. Well, I sometimes re-enacted this scene during recess. Though I was of course oblivious to some of the… possibly sexual… overtones of this scene, the reenactment was just jumping around, invading bubbles of space. I never got reported for harassment, and quickly grew out of that scene.
I find it interesting that so many of the embarrassing stories involve excretion emergencies… perhaps prompted by the title picture of the post? I guess that an ongoing annoyance in my situation is that I occasionally have very distinctive and smelly gas.
this is amazing…truly…amazing. every tuesday, i do this thing on my blog called Truthful Tuesday. That way i dont take my life so seriously. we are real women trying to be grown ups when (lets not deny it) we still feel like we're between the ages of 16 to 21 depending on the situation. way to be real taylor…and STINKIN' hilarious!
When I was in first grade I was super excited to go to my first school skating party at the local roller rink. I really had no freaking idea how to skate, so I was awkwardly trying to figure it out. Eventually, I needed to use the restroom. I "skated" my way in there and did my business. This is where I should tell you that the floors in said bathroom are super uneven and at a downhill slant. When I stood up to pull up my pants I lost my footing. I fell and slid directly UNDER the stall door. My pants were at my ankles, and my shirt had come up in the process. There I was, completely naked in the middle of the bathroom floor.The bathroom was full of older, and much cooler, 5th graders while I flopped around on the floor like a fish trying to stand up in roller skates. I was beyond mortified. I ended up having to yell for my mom, who was waiting outside of the bathroom, to come help get my naked ass off of the floor. Twenty plus years later, and this is still my most embarrassing moment!
Can't top this one. In early high school I was a lifeguard at our local pool. I was on my period and it was "lifeguard fun night" so we were all running around, going down the water slide in huge trains, etc etc. We were all totally goofing around. I did not notice this happen, but my tampon actually FELL OUT of me due to all the running around and being wet from being in and out of the pool. All of a sudden another lifeguard is asking whose bloody tampon is on the pool deck. I never copped to it being mine, and our manager eventually had to clean it up. Still mortifying to think about.
I once brought a giant box of cereal to work with me to eat for lunch throughout the week. While on the bus to work that morning, I found out the box had already been opened when the bus made a sharp turn and sent coco pops flying everywhere. Like all down the ailse of the bus, showering everyone around me, there was a whole bunch in some poor kid's schoolbag – it was everywhere. I then had to sit the next 30 minutes on the bus cringing everytime someone new got on and had to crunch their way through the mess…
When my boyfriend and I were first dating, his parents went on vacation for a week so I decided to stay with him at their house while they were gone. Everything was fine except from my weird shy bowel. For some reason I just could not go number two while he was in the house (he tried going to the store for a bit to give me some privacy but by this point I was too backed up to do anything). Finally around day 5 (that's right FIVE DAYS without pooping!) my stomach was like a brick wall and I just HAD to go. My boyfriend was super nice and lit a candle for me and put the radio on to distract me and it was fine. I went, I was relaxed, and I finally pooped. Only I pooped five days worth of food. The biggest poo you could ever imagine (emerging from the water in the toilet bowl – sorry for tmi). I felt so relieved to have finally done my business, but then I tried to flush. It wouldn't budge. Flushed again – nothing. Hmm, I'll give it ten minutes and sneak back to flush again once the water level has risen. STILL NOTHING. I flushed several more times after that but eventually in a panic I had to confess to my boyfriend that I had completely blocked his toilet with the biggest poo known to mankind. I was mortified but he thought this was hilarious. In the end he had to fill a large vase with water from the tap and pour it down the toilet to finally get rid of it. After that glorious moment there was no shame in our relationship!
When I was in 9th grade, my friends and I decided to do a dance for the talent show. We practiced in various driveways and lawns for weeks. The day finally came, and us freshmen took over the stage like we were too kewl for school. About halfway through the dance there was a wide-step and the instant I took that step I felt the seam on my pants relinquish….of course our backs were to the audience. So, basically I mooned my whole school. I was a dancer growing up and I had learned that no matter what you never leave the stage. So I danced my little heart out while my sister was screaming at me from backstage to get out of there……..pretty much just getting over this 15 years later.
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ok first of all thanks for linking this in your more recent post because this post and the comments are full of GOLD. I laughed out loud at "no promises!" and several times reading some of these comments.
Don't know if you're still caring about comments on this post lol but I have a compulsion to leave a story. Luckily, in ~9th grade I stopped really getting embarrassed so I don't have many recent stories (I do have some though lets be real). ANYWAY this story was in 6th or 7th grade, I got invited to walk home with one of my close friends. Well to get to her house you had to climb a gate/fence. I am terrified of heights but she basically bullied me into it because she didn't want to take the long way. So this fence is across a field from the 8th grade boys who all played basketball after school. So as I'm climbing over, I make it to the other side and think I'm home free and let go of the fence to drop the rest of the way. Only…my sweatshirt got hooked on the top of the fence. So I am hanging there worried my sweatshirt was going to rip/that I Was going to be stuck forever, and I had the genius idea to slip out of the sweatshirt. So I do that and I stand there for a moment and my friend looks at me deadpan and says calmly "Amber. you're naked." Turns out the fence had literally hooked my bra and everything in between. So when I slithered out of my sweatshirt- I slithered out of everything. So I was just casually standing there topless while all these older guys played basketball. I grabbed my shirt and ran so fast, and her and I never spoke of it again.