To Whom It May Concern:
I’d like to apply for a hunting license and I’m not sure how to do it.
I have one specific game in mind and I’m willing to pay whatever it takes to obtain the right license. (I think I could crowd source this pretty easily.) I’m a good-intentioned hunter, so I’d like to do it legally of course.
The particular game I’m after is a “Generic Minnesota Dentist Who Likes To Pay Top Dollar To Kill Exotic Animals To Make Him Feel Like He’s A Big Man And Can Take Whatever The Hell He Wants In This Life Because He Is A Garbage Person.”
Have you heard of this breed?
I know he has young ones, so I’m not going to hurt him that bad. I’m not that big of a monster! I ran over a squirrel once and it still haunts me. I would just like to shoot him a few times with a bow and arrow. Maybe in the knee caps or something? He may feel some pain, but that’s what happens in “sport.” I know, I know, I’m sounding kind of cruel, but I’m just dying to get a great selfie next to him to hang up in my big game room.
My plan is to lure him out during the middle of night and then attack him when he least he expects it. I’ll probably have a crew of people with me, so really he has no chance to fight back, but we’ll be humane about it.
Like I said, I’ll have a permit!
I’m not doing this because I’m a bad person. It’s all for sport. It keeps me active, what can I say! I do this because I appreciate the breed. Minnesota dentists are so majestic I can’t help myself.
And it’s for Cecil.
Cecil the 13 year-old-lion who was known for being incredibly pleasant around people in Zimbabwe. Who attracted tourists from all over trying to catch a glimpse of such a beautiful and kind natured animal. Who had six cubs, all of which are basically guaranteed to die now.
Cecil the lion who minded his own business, in a “safe park” until he was lured away with bait one evening by the breed of a Minnesota Dentist. See what Cecil didn’t realize is that he had a $55,000 price tag on his head.
That price tag almost makes me laugh in a sad demonic way when I foolishly feel proud of my efforts for donating $2,000 to help animals via the shirts I sell. $2000 is nothing compared to $55,000.
We live in a world where humans and animals alike are struggling to survive on a daily basis and yet we have Minnesota Dentists who spend hundreds of thousands to kill innocent creatures so they can take a selfie and hang a detached head in their man cave.
I just don’t get it.
Some people say the internet is going “way too crazy” on said Minnesota man. He didn’t know he was killing beloved Cecil after all! He meant to kill a different lion! A lion that wouldn’t get him in so much trouble, just like all of the other animals he’s killed over the years. C’mon, guys.
But we all know how the internet works, in about two days everyone will have moved on to something else. Which is interesting, because that’s almost the exact amount of time Cecil suffered for. He was shot with a bow and arrow and managed to cling to life for forty more hours until the hunters found him and beheaded him. And then took a selfie of course.
So in two days everyone might be over this. But Cecil will still be dead.
All that being said, maybe we shouldn’t be so hard on the Minnesota Dentist. He’s killed exotic animals before and was never in this much shit for it. He’s just doing what he loves.
(Photo above isn’t Cecil, just another conquest is all.)