Double Your Instagram Following?

Thursday, September 10, 2015


I'd like to start this post off by letting it be known I'm just here to snark today. It's going to be like the good old days of this blog, I'm not even going to try to hide it. Instead of coffee I drank nails for breakfast, so let's just have fun with it.

It all started with an ad I continued to see on my Facebook newsfeed boasting, "Double Your Instagram Following!"

Mmmmhh. I could be into that, I thought. I'm not shy about the fact it drives me just a wee bit insane to watch all these newby "bloggers" run hot laps around me in the stupid world that is Instagram, while I'm sitting on my tiny white fur rug like a baby lamb trying to take dumb photos of my feet just because I feel like I have to...

So I clicked on the ad.

This specific blogger was offering a free webinar all about using Instagram with a purpose. At this point I'm managing about six different Insta accounts, so if there's a webinar that claims it will tell me how to double all of those accounts, I'm going to sign up.

I signed up. And the webinar happened a few days ago.

So sit back and relax as I share all of the amazing secrets I learned about finding ALL OF THE FOLLOWERS on Instagram.

Let's call the "teacher" Martha, by the way. And just for the record Martha is not my pal, Helene. I sat in on Helene's webinar last week and was thoroughly impressed. You want to learn a thing or two about blogging/Instagram- then Helene has the webinar you should watch. *friendly plug over.

Anyway.

I missed the first two minutes of Martha's class because I was dicking around in the kitchen, so what she said in that intro I shall never know. I jumped on right around the time she started telling everyone that "Facebook is dead and I'm completely off of it and love being away from it #sorrynotsorry."

As soon as I heard the #sorrynotsorry actually spoken, I almost jumped off the webinar. I'm just not into people who speak hashtags. #sorrynotsorry

But I stayed on because I was interested to hear about what else was dead that I didn't realize.

I also wanted to politely tell Martha that her Facebook account must be hacked, because even though she said several times she's not on Facebook, I couldn't help but think of that ad I saw show up in my feed day after day. Martha has a hacker! But that lucky duck has a hacker who shells out a lot of money to pay for Facebook advertising. #jealous

Martha also quit Twitter.

And blogging. Martha actually gave everyone "permission" in the webinar to quit those things as well. Well thank God. I've been waiting for permission for years. Finally a stranger gave it to me. #rejoices

Now she just uses Instagram and makes millions of jillions of dollars. And we can too.

"Mirco blogging" is where it's at according to Martha.

But Martha, I like to write. How can I write via mirco blogging? I need words not photos to tell the whole story. I wanted to ask, but never got the chance. Maybe I'll send her a pic tomorrow with my question.

After Martha told us what to quit, proudly proclaiming "I'm a quitter!" she told us what to start doing. Heroine. Apparently it will give you tons of energy to take more photos, make you very skinny to look better in said photos, and give your skin that natural "amaro" glow.

I'm kidding. Like I said earlier, my snark is overflowing today. I deserve a day to let it out every once in a while I think.

Back to Martha.

Tip #1:
Be aware of the feel and overall aesthetic of your feed. 

Wait, so I can't just post the most random photos of my dog, my drink, Chicago, my couch, ext whenever I want?

No, not according to Martha. Your feed needs to have a pretty organized flow to it. That makes sense, I guess. But sadly my life doesn't have a pretty organized flow to it... So... So like my life, my feed is random as hell. Sorry, Martha I'm just not catching on. Can we move on?

Tip #2:
Make a great bio! But don't make it all about you.

But but but but but but but but ... but my bio is about me. No, says Martha. You have to let your readers know what they're going to get.

My current bio: "Let's just pretend we already know each other."

So that's what my readers are going to get. A best friend!!!! I actually think that's a pretty great bio. Thanks Martha, for confirming.

Tip #3
Engage your readers!!!

If someone comments for example, "an ice cream cone pic in front of a brick wall? original. thanks."

Respond!  "Thank you! It was sooo yummy. #cheatday." Or something similar.

Tip #4
Stop living your real life and start living just for Instagram. Staged you > than real you.

*disclaimer: that might not have been tip #4. I jumped off the webinar so I could walk Harlow and enjoy the nice fall day in Chicago so I'm not sure what tip  #4 actually was.

Truthfully, the reason for this self indulgent snarky post today is simply because Martha made me mad. So I fired back because I'm a mature adult.

She told me my hobby was dead. And Martha doesn't have the right to tell me that. Blogging is my hobby, my job, my thing. It might not always be, but for now it is and I enjoy it. So when someone cuts it down it bugs me. No one likes to be told their job isn't important anymore.

Martha, Martha, Martha. Know your audience.

Sadly, I didn't double my following. After the webinar I think I probably lost followers. Such is life online.

Because I'm only human, I won't deny I still want to grow my followers on Instagram and be like the "big blogger gals" and occasionally post photos that make me cringe. However I keep thinking about a quote from the Hipster Barbie article about Instagram today that rings true to me,  "it's so overdone that it's becoming boring."

It is, isn't it?

#dontfeedthelambs

80 comments:

  1. I love you and I love this. Thank you for writing what I was too afraid to say. I know I shouldn't compare but come on, how can you not? And I mean, it must work for you since you have like 12k IG followers. Lotsa Harlow lovers out there.

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  2. This post made my entire week. Hell, maybe the month. I took this class and I was thoroughly well, disgusted. tell me to stop blogging?! okay, no thanks. i just hope people wake up and realize that it's not just about instagram. in fact i bet MONEY that in a few years we won't be obsessing over it like we are now. and i even have a class about it. who ever thought putting all your eggs in one basket was a good idea?

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  3. Best read all day. I've sat in on webinars that carry the same tune and afterward have been left empty thinking "I just wasted an hour of my life." Good choice on leaving early to walk Harlow.

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  4. I love it when other people say things that I'm thinking! Although I wasn't part of the webinar, but I know the type of person you are talking about! P.S. I'm glad you weren't talking about Helene :)

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  5. This is hilarious! I thought for a second she really suggested heroine. Well thank goodness! Keep doing your thing girl, and I'll keep reading.

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  6. I generally avoid those webinars because I figure they aren't going to actually help much. And they will just make me mad and frustrated. Because there really isn't a secret formula for success in social media. In fact, I think it's 95% luck.

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  7. I love heroine.
    And your snarky writing!

    Bree

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  8. Hahaha, love it! You are spot on. Instagram is weird, and being insta-famous is even more weird. But the worst is, I want it anyway...
    What is it with people keeping on insisting that blogging is dead? They have proclaimed it so many times, yet it's still alive and kicking. AND IT ALWAYS WILL BE.

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  9. I don't know what bothers me more: that people like Martha make money off of this crap, or that other people spend money on and believe this crap.

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  10. I mean how many more pretty mocha art cups on a wood table can one take? I have such a love-hate obsession with it. Not gonna lie, for a second I thought you were talking about Helen...glad you clarified that! In my head I heart "shots fired" and then laughed...blogger drama no more ;) Love your snark, do more of it...we don't seen enough of it out here or I'm reading the wrong blogs! xoxo, ganeeban

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  11. I recently read a post where the blogger was writing how to get Instagram followers and they also mentioned something similar to Tip #1. All I could think was that my life is too varied to only post the same "aesthetic" over and over again.

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  12. Amen. I mean, does she not realize that some of us blog because we enjoy it? Because it's an outlet? Because of the friendships? It must suck to only "micro blog" and just be lots of fake everything for the sake of almighty dollar bill.

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  13. Just like everyone above...thank you for saying what we all feel. I too took a webinar (I think also with Martha) and basically got NOTHING out of the webinar that actually translated into real followers. Total scam.

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  14. Not gonna lie, at first I was link omg is she referring to Helene? haha then I saw that you weren't so it's cool.Cause I totally signed up for helene's instagram webinar because I, like you, am human and think it would be cool to grow my insta and sometimes take pictures that I'm not proud of (ie: me holding a cute mug that has a cute phrase) like who cares? no one. but for some reason on instagram they do. Anyways this was so funny and I want to see that webinar now so I can secretly snark about it and lol because like 90% of my views come from posting my blog post on facebook.
    xo, Candace | Lovely Little Rants

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  15. Hhaha, I love it and I think this what all of those "Double your Instagram following" webinars/ posts say... It's all about #4 and living a staged life! but that just isn't real, go on with your normal life and normal insta feed! :)

    xo, Sarah
    www.thekissingboothblog.com

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  16. Well, you just got another IG follower! Loved every bit of this post. I'm off to try Heroine............. kidding.

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  17. The heroin comment slayed me. UGHHHHHHHH I wasn't even at this webinar but I'm aggravated by it. Here's the thing - I like to write. All the other 'stuff' (maintaining a FB, Twitter and Insta account that all kind of encompasses my blog/voice) is all fun, but I would never stop writing to just maintain those. Why, for money? Extra followers (let's be real; you're probably getting a ton of spambots when you gain followers quickly)?

    I'm certainly not selling my soul when all I've ever wanted to do was write. Thanks for writing this AND for the snark :)

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  18. I have ALWAYS loved your bio...it's exactly what we're all thinking/acting like!

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  19. lol this was hilarious! If "Martha" thinks Instagram is going to be around forever she's going to be one sad soul (and broke!)

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  20. I love this and I would have been equally mad if I was in on that webinar. I mean sure Facebook might be a little annoying but it also brings a lot of traffic to my blog, so you just never really know what is dead...except Myspace. I think that actually is dead.

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  21. Like everyone else this made my day. Please keep writing the way you do. I had seen some articles about that hipster Barbie which of course I didn't read, but I had to read the article you linked because of that quote. Epic. Now excuse me while I go find you on Insta to enjoy many dog pics, coffee, Chicago and whatever else makes your life not boring. Sign me up!

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  22. Are you sure Martha is even a real person? This could be the start of the hostile robot takeover we've all been expecting.

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  27. Absolutely loved this post! I just started reading your blog some days ago and it's hilarious, so please, no matter what Martha says, don't quit 'cause it's definitely not dead! :)

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  28. hahaha...I work all day I don't have time to stage my Instagram photos 24/7 and Facebook dead? When did this supposedly happen?
    And your dog is cute so keep posting pictures of him :)

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  29. This cracked me up!

    I can't even imagine spending all of my time and energy on my Instagram account. It's actually a pretty pathetic little thing with only a handful of pictures, but, you know, everything I do isn't worthy of a picture.

    I always think it's weird when people say, "You should get rid of/stop doing [insert thing here]" with regard to blogging and social media. I mean, I understand that it's a job for some people and they take it very seriously, but it's really just a hobby for me. I love it, but I have a tiny following. I'm never going to make tons of money doing it, but I do it because I think it's fun ... And that's okay.

    I do what I like, and if that means blogging a few times a week and posting sporadically on Instagram (and it does), so be it.

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  30. Even without listening to that webinar, I have already doubled my Instagram following!

    Granted, that's because zero doubled is still zero. Ha!

    And I'm not going to quit my blog, Facebook, or Twitter, since I am not that enamored with photos :)

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  31. I HAVE TAKEN THIS WEBINAR TOO! for what it's worth, at the end you missed the actual stuff for doubling your followers involves paying money to join an "exclusive network" so really she's making all the money facilitating that network!

    also a genuine feed is more fun! I'll never stop gramming the most ridiculous of my pictures!

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  32. Okay I knew I loved your blog but this just made me love it 100 times more! As I was reading your post my thoughts were "is this real life, Martha sucks." Sure micro blogging is a big thing right now and yes your Instagram should be organized and fluent but Blogging isn't dead! And besides if you really want to double your followers in a short amount of time you just need to pay for them. I don't know about you but I want my followers to genuinely follow me and my blog. I don't want to pay to be popular. That is just ridiculous.

    Anyways! You're great :)
    -Chandler
    www.lifeasalarsen.com

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  33. Instagram is becoming boring just like Facebook, but blogging is here to stay! I deleted my Facebook a year ago, and each week I check Instagram fewer and fewer times. However, I still check blogs every day. Also, I unfollow people on Instagram if they post too many photos or are too predictable.. her advice is wrong!! Keep doing what you do!!
    theritzyglitzy.com

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  34. "I'm not shy about the fact it drives me just a wee bit insane to watch all these newby "bloggers" run hot laps around me in the stupid world that is Instagram, while I'm sitting on my tiny white fur rug like a baby lamb trying to take dumb photos of my feet just because I feel like I have to..."

    Laughed until tears came out of my eyes at this one. You are so freaking great.

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  35. Also I have heard the whole "your feed should have an aesthetic feel" a million different times and I don't buy it. Where's the research to back that up? I think one person said that once and then the rest of us were like "Oh, so that's what you should do!" and started repeating it.

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  36. I took that webinar. My guess is that Martha found writing a blog to be, like, super haaaaard. And like, so full of wooooords, and stuff. But pretty pictures is so much easier! Particularly when she is no longer doing anything else. At all. Because, you know, she quit that.

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  37. i still love blogging, and my list of blogs to read is shrinking! so many are stopping. and i refuse to follow staged instagram people. anyways, never stop writing or else i will be sad!

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  38. Aww shit snacks I want to know who it is. I full thought you were talking about Helene too. Not going to lie, I have been searching for how to get more Instagram followers because Instagram and Pinterest are what works the best for stuff I sell(teacher products). It's so hard to get followers that aren't all boobs, butts, duck faces (as Helene said). I refuse to curate my Instagram feed because my life isn't curated....so why should my pictures. I'd rather enjoy the moment instead of spending an hour editing one damn photo. I honestly hate when peopl post the same crap every day. Oh a dog against a white background. A drink against a white background..etc. Lame balls.

    caffeinatedandcreative.com

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  40. Looolll. If it makes you feel better, I'm a newby blogger and I have no followers. I would actually have a lot more instagram followers if I wasn't blocking every weirdo that followed me/fake person asking if I wanted more followers haha. Just the other day I followed some whole30 instagram accounts because I wanted to get some ideas, and then all of a sudden I'm blocking "paleoguy" and a bunch of other people thinking, go away who are you people! So that's an idea to get more followers haha ;) I think writing a blog is SO MUCH harder than anything else though, and you do it so well, so don't stop. We need you!!

    x. Morgan

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  41. Well you just gained me as a reader and a follower on Instagram! I love this! I love snarky! I feel the same waaaaaaau 🙌🏻

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  42. omg loved this!!!

    https://aspoonfulofnature.wordpress.com/

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  43. I will be blogging long after our obsession with Instagram is over. Loved this! :)

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  44. I'm following you on Insta now, solely because of this post. Brava, queen.

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  45. I'm following you on Insta now, solely because of this post. Brava, queen.

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  46. I would have told her off too!!! She sounds really annoying!!!

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  47. Best read throughout the day. I've sat in on webinars that maintain the same melody and a while later have been left vacant considering "I simply squandered an hour of my life. service purchasing facebook followers

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  48. I came across your post because I tried taking the webinar, it was too long for me to sit down and watch, and now I can never watch it again bc it's expired. Plus half the stuff she was talking about didn't really make sense. I am not going to explore your blog and try to get tips from you and Helene in bTW. Thanks for the post, I was nervous I was missing something major but now I realize I'm not.

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  52. Haha loved this post! I've been looking for some ways to boost my following on Instagram so I can totally see myself signing up for a similar course and then being really disappointed with the so-called "tricks". Glad you can find the humor in it and hey, it did give you inspiration for a post so...thanks Martha?

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