Q: How many spouses does it take to install a new light fixture?
A: No one really knows because they stop half way through to argue and ultimately say “FORGET IT” so they never actually finish.
Thus today’s post is a new one from my “Adventures of Newlyweds” series. Given that Chris and I dated for ten years, and were engaged for nearly two, I’ve decided we get to be newlyweds for at least 2-3 years (if not only for the sake of this series I literally just now decided to start.)
So here’s the premise, last week we received the gorgeous new pendant light I ordered from Hayneedle. I hated the light that was previously in our kitchen and could not wait to get this new one in. My crappy photo does not do it justice, but it’s a rose gold, mid century, pendant globe style light, and I AM IN LOVE.
Full disclosure: Hayneedle is not paying me to write this post, BUT, they were super generous and gave me the opportunity to go onto their site and pick out a few things for our home. And then I spent about 10 straight hours in their mid century selection and outdoor selection going absolutely nuts.
But back to the installation of the light.
What took us nearly two hours, and two trips to Lowes, could have probably taken an electrician less than five minutes. But where is the fun in that? It was a Monday night and Chris and I were just getting along too well, so we thought we’d mix it up and create a situation where we had no other choice but to bark at each other. Attempting to rewire a new light seemed like the perfect scenario!
Did I mention we didn’t have the instructions? They were “misplaced,” but let’s not talk about that part. And it was really too bad, because according to the reviews online, they seem to have been really helpful instructions.
So it was 6: 00 p.m. on a Monday night, we had the electricity turned off, and we were losing daylight fast.
Here’s the situation:
Chris is on the ladder trying to twist wires together like he’s Bruce Willis, I’m standing on the bench nearby holding a flashlight for him like I’m Bruce Willis’s assistant, and Harlow’s barking at cats in the alley.
“Tay! Hold the flashlight where I’m working! Do you see where my hands are?”
“I AM!” I snap back. But if I’m being honest I probably wasn’t because I was actually looking at Harlow. And in my defense, holding a flashlight is a lot harder than it sounds.
“Do I put the white wire with the black, or the purple? I can’t remember!” he asks, because obviously I would know.
“Definitely the purple,” I lie. “Is our house going to blow up if you get it wrong?”
“Then stop! I’ll call an electrician.”
“NO! Just stop, I’ll call someone.”
This goes on until it’s completely dark in our kitchen except for the light of the flashlight I was holding incorrectly.
Once the wiring was done it was time to set up the light fixture, and if you look closely you’ll see four rose gold bars that have to go inside of the globe to make the bulb stay.
“How the hell do we get these inside here?” Chris says, looking at his gorilla hands knowing there was no way they’d fit in globe.
“Allow me, this isn’t my first ship in a bottle,” I say, pretty proud of my terrible joke.
Chris didn’t laugh. He never appreciates my humor when it’s most needed, if you ask me.
It took a few tries, but my baby hands were able to screw in the pegs, while inside of the globe. We did it! And then we noticed we left a huge sticker on the bulb….
“Let’s leave it,” Chris says.
“No, I want it right.”
“No one will notice a sticker.”
Cue the Curb Your Enthusiasm music because as it turns out, the people who owned our condo before us had a sticker on their light fixture (the one I hated) and I always thought, why the hell didn’t they take that sticker off?
So I insisted it come off.
Reluctantly, Chris removed the light fixture so he could “make it right” for me. And in attempting to take out the bulb, to remove a small sticker I did not like, he cracked the top of the globe and chipped glass fell inside.
Cue the Curb music again.
Neither of us said a word to each other for about ten minutes.
Long story short, the fixture is hung (we love it) and the chip is only visible to the smiling photos of Chris, myself, and Harlow in the background.
I feel like the moral here is that when you’re installing a new light fixture you should either a. call an electrician. or b. ask the light company to email new instructions.
We ended the night by laying in bed, listening to the sweet hum of our police scanner, a guilty pleasure we picked up back when we lived in Topeker, Kansas. What cay I say? You’re only newlyweds once.